One day, a father is putting his daughter to bed. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? '' That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy s**t, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy s**t! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three fuking hours ago!"
My secretary ran into the office looking upset. "This is terrible," she said. "I'm so sorry I'm so late." "You're not late, it's only 8:55," I replied. "Yes, I am," she sobbed, "5 weeks. I think it's time we told your wife."
I was lying in bed next to my wife the other night and said to her, "your double chin is getting bigger. Why don't you try and do something about it?" She looked at me with tears in her eyes, "Okay then fine. I will if it makes you happy." Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she goes and grows a frigging beard.
Man applies for a position as an extra needed on the film set for the forthcoming film, Long John Silver. Successfully passing the audition, was told "be ready to start a week next Monday". "Remuneration being £5000 per day". "For that sort of money" he replied "I could start tomorrow". Not possible was the reply. "that's when we will be amputating your leg".
Honk if you love Jesus An elderly woman in our church told us this story: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection. I got lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had turned green. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love Being kissed while you're asleep is one of the most purest forms of love..... Unless you are in prison.
Emasculation of men When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.” Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only ONE man. God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household!” “You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!” “Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.” God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?” The man replied, “This is where my wife told me to stand.”
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great bush fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his office to hire a plane. "A plane will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?". The driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det could not be proper vair I come from". The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing?". He paused a moment, then told her ... "Vell, Ma'am I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, "Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride"?
Apparently all the clocks in my house stop working when I go to the pub Because every time I get home my old lady goes “And what fkn time do you call this then eh?”
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man of Your House." He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel dry me and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The f***ing funeral director would be my first guess."
Ive got a garden gate that tells the time, when i open it all the people open their windows and shout "four o'clock in the bloody morning".
Me and my wife were called in to see my teenage sons Headmaster yesterday. He said, “Are you aware of what he’s been up to after school?” I said, “He told us he was doing table tennis.” The Head said, “He’s certainly been doing Ping Pong…Unfortunately she’s his Chinese maths teacher.”
Plastic surgery A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your boobs." She said, "No point asking about the beard then.....!"
How do court stenographers keep a straight face? These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying straight-faced, while the exchanges were taking place. ___________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ___________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ___________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ___________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ___________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20. Very close to your IQ. ___________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you s**tting me? ___________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid. ___________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ___________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ___________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ___________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ___________ ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend? WITNESS: Oral. ___________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ___________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
On an Airplane A Chinese guy is sitting next to a Jewish guy on an airplane. Out of the blue, the Jewish guy slaps the Chinese guy so hard that his head reverberates. The Chinese guy asks, 'What did you do that for?' The Jewish guy says, 'That was for Pearl Harbor..' The Chinese guy says, 'But Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese.' The Jewish guy says, 'Japanese, Chinese, Korean, it's all the same to me.' A few minutes of silence pass when out of the blue the Chinese guy slaps the Jewish guy so hard that HIS head reverberates. The Jewish guy asks 'What did you do that for?' The Chinese guy says, 'That was for the Titanic..' The Jewish guy says, 'But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.' The Chinese guy says, 'Steinberg, Goldberg, Iceberg, it's all the same to me.'
Breakfast She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken....." “Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway!