Gone fishing Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?” He says, “My brother might be coming.”
The accident A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's c a r . Both of their cars are demolished , but amazingly neither of them was hurt. . After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days . The man replied,"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman . The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police." Some years ago Adam ate the apple. Men will never learn!
“Son, you were adopted” Father: “Son, you were adopted.” SON : “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
A professor is sent to darkest Africa A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
A man has an accident where he loses an ear. When he wakes up in hospital the doctor tells him that he was fortunate to be near a hospital that specialises in the transplantation of organs from animals. The man is advised that he has received a Pigs Ear which has been moulded by plastic surgery to make it look like a human ear. After being discharged he returns for a check up 2 months later. The doctor performs some tests to check that the ear is working correctly, which it is and he is very happy with the results of the transplant. Finally he asks the man if he has any problems with the ear to which the man replies. "Every now and then on a Sunday I get a bit of crackling!"
At all U2 concerts, Bono starts spouting about starving children: If the pretentious twat paid tax, the government could increase foreign aid and feed the poor bastards.
Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your f**king tennis elbow won't get better! "Thank you for shopping at Walmart"
Well for my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world, and decided to go to where the dart landed.........I had a fantastic two weeks sitting next to the skirting board.
The great Zao-Tsu once said "It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
The pianist A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?" The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto. "Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie. The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follows it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???"
Juggler A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to the other lions and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant today, we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees" !!!
Two old ladies Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mable: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
One hot summer day One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!' (You gotta love this) .... The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing. Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number." Yo momma is so fat, when God said "Let there be light," He asked your mother to move out of the way. Yo momma is so fat, she walked past the TV and I missed 3 episodes. Yo momma is so fat, when she steps out in a yellow raincoat, people yell, "TAXI!" Yo momma is so fat, she got baptized at Sea World. Yo momma is so fat, the only way to get her out of a telephone booth is to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie in the street. Yo momma is so fat, when I pictured her in my head, she broke my neck. Yo momma is so fat, her measurements are 36-24-26, and that's just her left arm. Yo momma is so fat, people jog around her for exercise. Yo momma is so fat, she puts a cup of water in the bathtub and it still overflows! Yo momma is so fat, that when she rubs her thighs together, I smell bacon. Yo momma is so fat, that when aliens came to invade us they said, "Wow! Two planets in one." Yo momma is so fat, her belt loops have mile markers.