George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday." Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge. That very evening, Fred noticed that George's bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices George's wife in the act of performing oral sex. The very next day Fred calls out to George, "Hey, George, I saw your wife giving you a blow-job last night." George laughed. "Ha ha ha! Liar! I wasn't even home last night."
One day John is walking along the road when he bumps into Jim who he went to school with. Jim is richly dressed and standing next to a brand new car. John remembers that Jim was never too bright in school so he wonders how come he seems to be doing so well. Jim says, "Well, I recently opened a jewelry store in Town and last month I opened two down south." John is confused and asks, "You opened three jewelry stores in two months? How?" "With a crowbar."
Couldn't find a ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, I unleashed the macgyver in me and improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet. I could only get 5% off.
THE iBOOB Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Emergency An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees! The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone! He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone! "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!" He began his series of questions: Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!" Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!" Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?” Aircraft: “The s**te in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!"
Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop..The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush..About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, ‘I'll betcha a case of beer you are...'
Little Johnny returns again.. The teacher returned to work following time off with stress after her most recent Little Johnny word description, she spent time thinking of a word that could only work one way and now, spirit up, says to the class “OK, can someone tell me a sentence that uses the word exceptional” Little Johnny’s hand stays down, “He’s thinking, he’s thinking, I’ve beaten him” she thinks to herself and calls to Susan who already had her hand up to give her sentence. “Well miss, the weatherman said this spring will be exceptionally cold” “Good try Susan but that’s the word exceptionally, not exceptional. Stuart you…” with a growing sense of dread she notices Johnny put his hand up “.. tell us how you have heard the word EXCEPTIONAL used” emphasising the word loudly the teacher thinks with fading anticipation of what could soon be said ‘ what has he got, how, can’t be possible’ she thinks to herself, suddenly feeling better that she was worrying for no reason. “Miss, you said that no one can have time off except if they are sick” “ Sorry Stuart, that is completely wrong, think it through” she says starting to panic -now the realisation hits that the only hand up is Johnny’s – and he’s jumping up and down to be asked , ‘ OK, you spend 3 weeks stress leave and worked out that this word can’t be misused, you’ve got to hear him as he must get this right at last’ the teacher thinks to herself, “Ok Johnny, how do you see the word E X C E P T I O N A L” she barks the letters out one by one, “ used” “I overheard my sister talking to her friend the day before Valentines day" says Little Johnny continuing " they were discussing my sister’s new boyfriend and how he had promised to get her a big bottle of smelly tommorrow, she said "if it was anything except Channel, he weren’t getting in her knickers” The teacher was led away crying
after the exam After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear. "Who was that?"
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Dont be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!
Have you heard of the Fukawi tribe? They are all 3 foot tall and live in long grass which is 4 foot high. They spend all their time jumping up and down shouting "We're the Fukawi! We're the Fukawi!"
Free sex A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Sex with Fill-Up.’ Murphy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Murphy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, ‘You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.’ A week later, Murphy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Murphy guessed 2. The proprietor said, ‘Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.’ As they were driving away, Murphy said to Mick, ‘I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.’ Mick replied, ‘Ahh, sur' Murphy, I know it to be genuine enough alright, my wife, she won twice last week.’
After church service Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
Graphic warnings will appear on cigarette packets this week including rotting teeth, a corpse, and a body cut open. On sweet cigarette packets the warnings will be pictures of Gary Glitter, Jimmy Saville and Ian Huntley.
I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper." "Awww dad, what makes you say that?" "She smells of elephant s**t."
took our body weight scale out to weigh myself And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"