Paddy is at the airport with a sack over each shoulder and when he is stopped at customs they find that both sacks are full of mobile phones. When asked why; Paddy said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Murphy in Cork and he told me that he is starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxophones."
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered. Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water." The Englishman immediately piped up; "T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-ruro", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow". "That's no better either, Hamish. " "Now, how about you, Paddy? " The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out; " London ". "Brilliant, Paddy! " said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. She takes him into her private office and after 10 minutes of steamy sex, Paddy said; ... ... ... ... ..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."
Tim divorced his wife because he didn’t like the fact that there were three people in our marriage... Him, her, and Colonel Sanders... “
Driving home An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?" " Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble"...? She said, "I went out this morning and when I came home I found a card saying the postman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!" After apologising, I got her parcel. "Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!" I asked, "What is it"...? She replied, "My husband's new hearing aid"...
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper... She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
At his wedding reception, the young groom's grandad congratulated his grandson and said: "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage, is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has." Thanking him for his advice, the grandson said, "What's sex like then when you get older, grandad?" His grandad looked at his grandson, smiled and said, "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"
I was standing on the weighing scales sucking my stomach in and the wife started laughing said, "that wont do much good"? So i replied "yes it will i can see the numbers now"!
An older gentleman meets an older lady and they decide to get together and "do the deed". So, She takes him back to her place, They have at it. The man ls lying there thinking "My Lord! She was tight! I wonder if she was a virgin..." The woman was lying there, thinking "Cripes! I wish he would have let me get my panty hose off before he started..."
I asked my ex-boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday. He said "I want something that goes from 0 to 350 in 2 seconds flat". So I bought him a bathroom scale.
I was cuddling with my missus under the Blanket on a cold night."My arse is Freezing " she said..... "Lets check" I replied..."Holy s**t it's like Siberia" "Is it that cold" she chuckled....I said, "No it's Huge."
The little boy and little girl were standing nude beside each other after a bath. The boy looked down at his and then at hers and then at his and said, "Look what I got that you ain't got!" The little girl retorted, "Huh! My mommy says if you got one of these, you can have all of those you want!"
BBC Breaking News...... Pakistan have shot down 2 Indian Fighter planes. In response,India have threatened to bomb the highest populated areas of Pakistan. London,Birmingham,Bradford,Rochdale and Oldham are currently being evacuated....
I looked out of my window in horror as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I immediately rushed outside yelling “Let me through, let me through” A man at the front said “Thank God for that, are you a Doctor”? I said “No, that’s my fuking Pizza he’s delivering”
Where Do Red-Headed Babies Come From ? Where Do Red-Headed Babies Come From ? After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!! 'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.' 'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? ' The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.' 'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'
Two men in a pub a little bit the worse for wear, arguing about their wives. One says "my wife is the ugliest", the other disagrees Striking up a ten pound bet they visit the first wife and both agree she is certainly ugly. They then called on the other wife, the husband called out, "where are you dear" "Upstairs" she replied. "Can you come down for a minute" he asked. "Shall I pull the sack over my head" she replied. "No I don't want to make love to you now, I just want to finish off a bet".