It's saturday night. Paddy and Shamus want to go out drinking, but they're totally skint, except for a Euro. So, Paddy buys a sausage and comes up with a plan to get hammered. They go into the first pub and start drinking. Paddy hangs the sausage out of his trousers and Shamus starts to act like he's "servicing" Paddy. Naturally, they get tossed out of the pub on their ears. After being thrown out of the fourth pub, Shamus says: "Hey how 'bout ya' give me 'dat sausage and you do the servicing" Paddy says "Hell I lost 'dat sausage after the second pub".
Have you ever woke up kissed the person sleeping beside you and been glad that you are alive? I did and now they tell me I will never be allowed on this airline again
The Spoon - A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very impressive! - Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour . ‘If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' ‘Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
The hit man Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?" "I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her . . . He's naked, too!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
The inmates in prison knew all the jokes so well that they'd just call out a number instead of telling the whole joke. Somebody would say "Fourteen!" and all the prisoners would laugh. Someone else would say "Seventy-two!" and all the prisoners would laugh. The newcomer listened for while, and then called out "Twenty-four!" but no one laughed. Then the inmate in the cell next to him sighed, "I guess some people just don't know how to tell a joke!"
Farmer John was sitting on the front porch of his house smoking his pipe when a neighbor ran up said, "Farmer Brown, Farmer Brown! Your wife's down there in the pasture with a great big black bear!" Farmer Brown took his pipe out, knocked it on the rail and put it back in his mouth, struck a match and lit it and said, "That old bear got himself into that, he can get himself out the best way he knows how!"
Mick, from Dublin appeared on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question... will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick, "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?" A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo "I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin." Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy, "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is, Sir." There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy. How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because, he lives in a clock."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew were to be executed. They were told that they could each choose how they would want to die. The Englishman said, "My people are a seafaring people, I want to be drowned!" The Frenchman said, "My people are a fighting people, I want to be shot!" The Jew said, "My people are a peaceful people, I vant to die of old age!"
The old Jew at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem cried, "I vant to be vith my people, I vant to be vith my people!" And the other Jew next to him said, "Hey buddy, what are you talking about, you ARE with your people, this is Jerusalem!" The old Jew replied, "I vant to be vith my people on Miami Beach!"
Bert at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope." Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant "What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology."
The gynecologist who became a mechanic! A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
Mike got talking to a woman in a bar last night. "How comes you're only drinking orange juice?" he asked. She said, "I'm pregnant." “I thought you were because your belly is sticking right out," he smiled, "But I didn't want to ask just in case you were just a fatty. How far gone are you?" "2 weeks." she said...
Having a smoke outside the pub last night and some dude in a wheelchair said..Why do you smoke its a horrible habit,I looked at him and asked,Why the fuk are you wearing shoes.
A young monk arrives at the Monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.” So the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and no sign of the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees the head monk banging his head against the wall and wailing. “Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?” The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”
While walking through the park, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. . Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?' . 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied. . 'You've gotta be kiddin' me.' . 'No, would you like to give it a try?' . Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' . So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. . With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. . Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'. . He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. . When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, . 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...
Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?” "For gosh sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.
A little old lady appears in court for shooting a young man. The Defense Attorney asks her... Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting on the swing on my front porch, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.