A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume." One little girl held up her hand and said, "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken." "Very good," said the teacher. Another one said, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start." "That's excellent," says the teacher. Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......." The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything." Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence." The teacher says, "Very well. Continue." "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read.
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."... After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan!!
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.: When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian,“and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”. Brian... was stunned : “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away” : St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen. ”Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. ”This isn’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” It’s not so bad, replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.” Never,” replies Brian. “Well just relax and let it happen.” And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him… ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, “Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re s**tting in the bed.”
Still new In a small parish there lived a spinster woman who was getting on in age. Being a prudent woman, she decided she would make all her funeral arrangements so when the time came, everything would be the way she wanted. So she talked to the pastor of her church, arranged the music, the readings, the flowers, the tea that would follow. She chose her plot, and had picked out and paid for her casket, so gave the pastor the details on that. Then she spoke about the tombstone. Being a devout lady, and still a virgin, and proud of that, she wanted “Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin, back with god” inscribed on the headstone. The pastor said he could arrange everything for her, and so things were set up to the old lady’s satisfaction. She was content. Several years later, having reached a good age, she passed quietly in her sleep. The pastor followed her wishes, and the funeral was held, the music, the readings, the flowers, the tea all as she had asked. After the service, he contacted two Scots stone masons and told them what she had wanted inscribed on her tombstone. They took the job, but being thrifty souls, thought the words were unnecessarily long, and would take too much time. They thought they could do better…and did. When the headstone was presented, they had carved into the stone: “RETURNED UNOPENED”.
ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
The Hypnotist at the Senior Citizens Center It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "s**t," shouted Claude. It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.
Heartless English An English tourist was driving through Scotland when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a sheep. A few kilometers further on he came upon a small town, so he parked his car and went into the pub for a drink. He grabbed a beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar, He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world. The English tourist turned to the bartender and said, "what sort of country is this? A few kilometers back down the road there was this guy having sex with a sheep, and now that guy in the corner is furiously masturbating in full view of everyone!” The bartender said, "You heartless English bastard, He's only got one leg, How do you expect him to catch a sheep?"
Don't Stop A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”
A policeman pulled me over yesterday. "I couldn't help but notice you swerving all over the road, sir. Would you mind telling me how much you've had to drink?" "Oh I'm sorry officer, it was my dog acting up. It won't happen again." The policeman glanced over to the dog in the passenger seat, "That's a nice dog you've got there. What kind is he?" "He's a guide dog." I said...
Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
man owned a small ranch in Montana, One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.
My best mate Steve passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today. I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore." She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden." I said, "I know, I meant being married to you!"
two irishmen lost at sea Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate. Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it. One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out! "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads. "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully." Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!" "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer. The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.” He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.” The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
'Ear' Trouble A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my Johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised. The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said. The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.” The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?” “There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly. The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?” “I can’t piss out of it,” he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Two elderly residents, an old sailor and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old sailor looked over and said to the old lady, 'I know just what you're wanting. For £5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.' The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old sailor continued, 'For £10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there. But for £20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.' The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled £20 bill and holds it up. 'So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,' says the old sailor. 'Get serious,' she replies. ' I want it Four times in the rocker!'
A woman accompanies her husband who has gotten very sick to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor calls the wife into his office. Then he says, "Your husband is suffering from terrible stress which has led to a very severe disease. I advice you to do the following or your husband is going to die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him." "Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs." "Encourage him when he watches a team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and try to satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health back." On the way home, the husband asks his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replies.