Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking" Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy . "What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????" "Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue " "GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........." "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow " That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
The strangest thing happened to me last night...I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it. To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace. That's the last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips...
Crashed my car today and ended up between two houses. In the left house lived Mr and Mrs Smith and in the right house lived Mr and Mrs Ball. Luckily I was dragged out by the Smiths!!
Two men camping in the desert. During the night one of them got bitten on the end of his manhood by a rattlesnake. His friend immediately took off to the nearest town to find a doctor for advice. The doctor advised him to cut a cross slit on the wound, then suck out all the poison as soon as possible otherwise it could be fatal. On his return his unfortunate friend asked what did the doctor say. You will be dead in a couple of hours he replied.
Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated. Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in math. She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?" Little Zachary said, "No!" "What was it?" she asked. Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
At The Bakery A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing among the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, “but it's quivering a little."
"Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her tits, " I said to my wife. "WHAT! I'll bloody kill her, " she yelled, and stormed out of the house. Oh dear, I hope she doesn't damage her aviary “
An Eskimo suffered badly from the cold every time he went out fishing in his kayak. So to ease his suffering he built a fire on it. Unfortunately the kayak caught fire, sank and he drowned. Moral being you can`t have your kayak and heat it.
An African chief who lived in a grass house was very popular with his tribe So much so that each year his tribe presented him with a new throne. Having nowhere to put them all, he got his subjects to build an upper storage in his grass hut. Unfortunately it could not support all this weight, and collapsed killing the chief. The moral being don`t stow thrones in grass houses.
A very nice innocent Australian woman wanted to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with Tommy Greer, who has lived his whole life in the Australian outback and has had no experience with women. They meet, and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other, and they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom and prepares for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom she finds her husband standing in the middle of the room-naked. All the furniture is piled in one corner. “What’s going on?” she asks. “I’ve never been with a woman” he says. “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get!”
A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW . There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big gum. As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, they turned you down.
A Farmer ordered a high tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his member.... He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally he decided to call the suppliers customer service hot line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!) "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons...
Irish Birth Control, Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer' Hoosband couple 'a years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye' did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye' and yer' hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways.. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye' any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten wee ones in all!' The Father said, 'Oh, that's wonderful! And how's yer' loving hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer' fookin' candle!'
I want to live my next life backwards You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
A rich Arab is throwing one of his wild parties. In his palace he has a few swimming pools. But in one of them, he filled with alligators, piranhas and snakes. The Arab host announces that if anyone could swim across the pool, he would to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. Nobody is up to the challenge, so everyone just continues partying and having a good time. Suddenly, there is this big splash! Everybody looks and sees a man in the pool, and to every ones amazement, he makes it across safely! The host walks over to the man, congratulates him and says, "WOW, you made it!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replies, "First, I want you to give me a shotgun!" So the Arab host orders his servant to go his gun collection and get a shotgun to give the man. "Second", says the man, "give me shotgun shells!" Again the Arab hosts orders his servant to get shotgun shells to give the man. "Third" says the man, "Give me the bastard who pushed me into that pool!"
My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side... So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fuking reason...
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange : Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.' Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' Citibank: 'Excuse me?' Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?' Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.' Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given) After they get the fax : Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.' Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?) Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' Citibank: 'That might help...' Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.' Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
Got to love older people! While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."