A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out... As he walked to the door she yelled: "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!" He turned around and said: "So, you want me to fuking stay?"
There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys
A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a tiny necklace mobile phone for women. Have you seen this thing? It's on a chain - you wear it around your neck - it hangs down right here to a woman's cleavage. The only problem women have with it; when it rings, every guy in the room yells, 'I'll get it.'
A man took his dog to the vet and asked him to cut off the dog's tail. "Why do you want to do that?" asked the vet. "His tail is perfectly healthy" "I know," said the man. "But my wife's mother is arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she is welcome....
Family Gathering There was a family gathering, with all generations around Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself, because he had to go to the bathroom for a pee. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. 'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children. 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. I took my penis out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
A passenger taps the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the vehicle, nearly hits a bus, goes up the footpath, and stops just barely hitting a shop window. Everything is quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare the hell out of you." The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had Fuk all', he says, ' F-U-C-K-A-L-L'. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuk all for breakfast’
In Australian outback, this dog rough boozer is full of miners and Shepards. A dog ugly woman jumps up on a table and drunkenly roars out." If any of you men can guess my weight, you can take me home and shag me senseless". One lad shouts, "about a ton"!! As the pub laughs she responds " that's near enough, ya lucky bastard"
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
I recently went to see my psychiatrist. He's finally come to the conclusion that I'm psycho-ceramic. I said "What does that mean?".........He said "You're potty"
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around. "I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a cheque."
HOLY PROSTITUTES A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just nick it!”
Wrong E-mail Address A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: July 19, 2010 Subject: I've Arrived I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Indians know the weather It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again."Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
I called into the photographers today to pick up some photos I'd taken of my wife naked. "Would you like the negatives?" Asked the guy as he handed me the package. "Yes please!" I replied. He said, "Your wife's got saggy Tits and a fat Arse."
Fire services in Paris have found a suspicious package in Notre Dame Cathedral, but it just contained a Cheese and Tomato sandwich, a packet of crisps, an apple and a carton of orange juice It was the Lunchpack of Notre Dame.
Involuntary Muscular Contractions A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing, while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...