An SAS section captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan and took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice. The Sergeant says, "Roll the dice and if you get a 1 2 3 4 or 5 your head comes off" The Taliban leader asked "What if I throw a 6?" The Sgt says.... "You get to throw again"
An adorable old woman visits the doctor. “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, "Where the f**k did you get her from son? She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!" I replied, "There"s no need to whisper Dad. She's deaf as well!"
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but they were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea -- each time they had sex, they would put $50 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $50 into the piggy. But I see tons of $100 notes The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"
Lady and her young son got on a train. Seated opposite was a man, who looking up exclaimed "What an ugly child" The woman visibly upset immediately got off the train with the child, and was weeping uncontrollably on the platform. The stationmaster approached, asked her why she was so upset. After explaining to him, he suggested "come to my office and have a cup of tea", "And while we are there lets see if I can rustle up a banana for your monkey".
In light of the recent events in Korea, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "f**k Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
I was lost and deep in the desert and started to feel very thirsty, so I pissed into a bottle and began drinking my own urine ! A few minutes later though, when I found the bus, the Pyramids tour guide said to me, "Mate, we have some gatorades in the cooler !"
Abdul's wife complained that there was no more romance in their life. "Remember," she said, "When you used to carry me to the bedroom." Abdul paused for a moment and said, "Yes, but you were only 9 back then."
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?” “Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
My wife is a makeup artist. She makes up the tea, she makes up the beds, she makes up rumours about the neighbours, and she makes up my mind when I'm deciding whether to go to the pub...
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address... This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time... The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets... We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes... About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle... Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days... Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one... Love, Ma
Took my dog to the vets and I said I think my dog is racist he keeps barking at the Asian man next door. He said muzzle him, I said I'll try but he's got a beard.
1959 Dating You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this.... It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1959 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the doorbell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!
Three Nuns One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling". One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodeling!" The one nun said, "Well, we're dead and we can`t go back." "Alright," said St. Peter. "What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be and then we'll accept you back into Heaven," exclaimed St. Peter as he looks at the first nun. "Okay, who do you want to be?" he asks the nun. "Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc." Poof! The first nun becomes Joan of Arc. "Okay, You're next," as her looks at the second nun, "Who do you want to be?" "Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe," pronounces the second nun. Poof! The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe. "Okay, who do you want to be?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean." "Excuse me?!?" confusingly asks St. Peter. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean!" exclaims the nun. St. Peter replies, "Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth," explains St. Peter. "There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!" shouts the nun. St. Peter takes the news article and read it. "Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. This article says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."
"I'm sorry for the short notice," I said, "but I'm going to have to take Thursday and Friday off work, my mother-in-law died last night. "Oh," they said. "Helping to make arrangements?" "No," I replied. "Throwing a party , I'll be too pissed to come in."
To My Dearest Wife, During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often: We will wake the kids - 54 times It's too late - 15 times I'm too tired - 42 times It's too early - 12 times It's too hot - 18 times Pretending to be asleep - 31 times The neighbors will hear - 9 times Headache or backache - 26 times Sunburn - 10 times Your mother will hear us - 9 times Not in the mood - 21 times Watching the late show - 17 times Too sore - 26 times New hairdo - 6 times Wrong time of the month - 14 times You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we?? Love, Your Hubby ********************** To My Dearest Husband, I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year: Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times Did not come home at all - 36 times Did not come - 21 times Came too soon - 38 times Went soft before you got it in - 19 times Cramps in your leg - 16 times Working too late - 33 times You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?" Love, Your Wife
Experts call for the word 'cyclist' to be BANNED because it 'dehumanises' people who ride bikes. I would start by banning Lycra