A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English. Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. The Hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. Above All: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!" The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, the teacher was concerned and asked, "What's wrong?" "Our house is very small, me, my mum, and my dad we sleep on the same bed. Last night my dad asked, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' When I said No, he slapped my face and gave me a Black eye." Teacher said, "The next time when your dad asks if you're sleeping, keep dead quiet and don't answer." ... The following morning Johnny comes back with two black eyes. The teacher by now very worried asked,"My god, why have you now got two black eyes? I thought I told you to say nothing." Johnny Replied, "Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' And I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mum started moving, you know at the same time mum was breathing all funny, kicking her legs up in the air and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, 'Are you coming?' Mom said, 'Yes I'm coming, are u coming too?' Dad answered, 'Yes!' They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "Wait for me, I'm coming too..."
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Tommy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him £10 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him £20 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The postman immediately drops the post, opens his arms, and says: "Then come give your daddy a great big hug"
I went to the doctors and I said "I can't sleep at night, I keep thinking about Chinese food." He said "It sounds like dimsumnia."
My wife got back from shopping and said to me: "I spent 10 minutes trying to unlock someone else's car earlier. I swear, sometimes I think I'm retarded, haha!" "Don't worry, I do that all the time!" I replied. "What? Mix up our car with a different one?" she said. "No, think you're retarded."
I spent my whole life being proud of my English heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania. Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror
An old, blind cowboy walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake He finds his way to the barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think its only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Veteran rockers Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry were arrested earlier today after breaking into an animal shelter over night and releasing all the Doberman pinschers. Police say that now have proof that The Who let the dogs out
Caution before taking kids to work... An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat. "How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
All Aboard! A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.” The mother was upset at hearing her son curse like sailor. She walked into the room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.” Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.” As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”