Despite her size, I was able to push my wife off the train tracks - seconds before the train shot past. I can just see the headline now: "Man saves hundreds in potential train derailment
I used to have a picture of Maggie Thatcher pinned up on my wall when I was growing up, She was always a great influence for me. To be honest, I wouldn't be the great darts player I am today if it wasn't for her.
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
My 7 year old son was looking through the family photo album and asked my wife, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the big muscles and curly hair?” “That’s your father,” She replied. "Well," he asked "Who’s that old bald-headed fat bloke who lives with us now"
I went to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first day after I got my new teeth, I talked for only eight minutes. The second day, I talked for only ten minutes. The following day, I talked for 2 hours and 48 minutes. My mates had to mob me to get me to shut up and They asked me what happened. I explained the first day my gums hurt so bad I couldn't Talk for more than 8 minutes. The second day my gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes But, the third day, I put the wife's teeth in by mistake and I couldn't shut up...
"Mom, I'm dating a man." - "Whom, sweetheart?" - "Mike the mailman." - "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" - "But mom, age is just a number." - "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells an officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!" : "Bulls**t! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-Eleven store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening? The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.” “I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said. “Back at the convent, we call it ‘Catholic shampoo.’ ” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”
The reason why during the Stone age period a pile of dung was used at weddings. To keep flies off the bride.
Just as the graveside service finished there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said "Well she's there. She is his problem now"
Hi Jamie Oliver Sorry to hear your restaurants are going through a tough patch, have you considered contacting Gordon Ramsay ? He does this show where he goes into failing restaurants and helps turn them around. Just a thought
After reading about the awful harm being caused to the planet by plastic, I decided to leap into action. I cut up all the wife's credit cards.
Having sex when you're over 50 is like setting off a cheap Chinese firework. You spend half an hour getting the wick up, then it's one hugely disappointing bang which is over in a couple of seconds.
Paddy goes to his Doctor and said,them migraine tablets are causing me problems,in what way says the Doctor, when I take one in the morning I get a severe pain down my right SIDE , and I take the one at night and I get a severe pain down my left SIDE, I know whats the problem says the Doctor, that's just the SIDE Effects
Due to the possibility of rising unemployment caused by the influx of Undocumented Immigrants, the State of California has decided to implement a scheme to put Native Born Citizen Workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much s**t (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The California Government has always prided themselves on the amount of s**t they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough s**t, please bring this to the attention of your Senator or Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the s**t you can handle. Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
The Roasting Pan One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan. The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it. That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it. Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question. Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said: "So, it would fit in the pan, of course."
A male student asked his English professor, "What is the definition of a dilemma?" The professor said, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that." "Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other." "Who are you going to turn your back on?
Engineer in Hell An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"