If you think your job is pointless, just remember there's a bloke somewhere in Germany fitting indicators to BMW cars.
Murphy said to Paddy, “Paddy, you’ve done a grand job with that wallpapering, that you have.” Paddy said, “Thanks a lot, Murphy.” Murphy added, “One thing though, Paddy.” “What’s that, Murphy?” “Will you be doing the inside of the house as well?”
Paddy the Irishman is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, let me try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I've got to try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey Paddy, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" ....And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin.
A Breakfast Fit for a Trucker A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!” “Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
A very very posh upper class young lady went to the doctor. This is how the conversation went: YL..."I am getting married next week, doctor and I need some advice on the sexual side of things. I am still a virgin and just need to know about the man's thingy. You see last weekend my fiance stayed overnight at our country mansion and I saw him on the landing, naked and saw his thingy, and just need to know a couple of things" D..."Ask away, young lady" YL....."What do you call the bulbous growth at the end of his thingy? It's shaped a little like a bell" D...."Well actually it can called the bell end" YL...."And the tubular thingy the bell end is attached to?" D....." That in laymans terms would be the shaft" YL..." And the two round thingys about 22 inches from the bell end?" D....."How fukin far?????" YL...."I would think about 22 inches" D....." Well for your sake, young lady I hope they're the cheeks of his arse!"
Ryanair is proposing a 'fat tax' for obese customers. I think this is a great idea and I'd do it like this. A bit like the hand luggage size test, have a chair with arms at the check-in that passengers have to sit in. When they get up if the chair is still stuck to their arse they pay the tax. The rest of the queue behind them can all cheer and clap and shout "Pay up, you fat Kent!" making the normally dreary check-in experience a more light-hearted affair.
Donald Trump, 72; 'Well, I just feel like a young man. I'm so young. I can't believe it. I'm the youngest person. I am a young, vibrant man.' In a way he's right. His brain hasn't aged a day since he was about four.
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman: ‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’ The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’ The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’. The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’. The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’ The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’ ‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves…. ..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’ The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’ The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’ The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’ The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’ The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’ ‘I DIED’, said the rabbit. ‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’ After a short pause. The rabbit said… ‘Mixin-me-toasties.’
The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a s**tload of firewood'
I went the dentist today, He said are you sitting comfortable in the chair because this is going to hurt ? I said Yes, He said Ive been shagging your girlfriend for the last four weeks
I rung up work this morning.."My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off." "Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."...."Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."
My uncle left his butter factory to me in his will. I've gone and screwed it up and had to close down. I bet he will be churning in his grave
I stood on the top deck of the ocean liner with my son and we stared out into the icy wilderness. "Hey, dad, do you think we'll see the whale surface again this morning?" asked my young son. "Not a chance, son; the fat cow will be in bed until the 1pm free buffet starts."
Just got back from the local foodbank hoping to get a bit to eat, never seen such behaviour like it in all my life, angry jeering mobs, shouting, insulting, threats, I never knew how bad it really was. Last time I go there in my Rolls, it's pretty bad when a bloke who is down to his last few million can't get a bit of charity, what on Earth has the country become?
Two little girls are making friends in the school playground. "What does your Daddy do for a living?" asks Sally. "He's a magician," says Emma. "Ooh," says Sally, "and what's his best trick?" "Sawing people in half," replies Emma. "And do you have any other family?" asks Sally. "Yes," says Emma, "I have a half -brother and two half -sisters."