A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.” The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.” “And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man. “No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face
Apple are giving away free desktop computers in a new competition. All you have to do is be the first person to enter an Apple store after 4pm and shout the promotional catchphrase “iMac hunt!” to win a new PC..
Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park. They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Yeah except the 6-foot mouse is real.
The foreman on a large work site noticed a new laborer one day and barked at him "what's your name?" "John", the new bloke replied. The Foreman scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of wishy-washy work site you were on before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that! Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?" The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly, "Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is!!.
After the wife and I won the lottery, we sat down with a lawyer to discuss how we'd take the payment. He asked me, "Are you still interested in the lump figure ?" "Not at all," I replied, "I'm definitely going to find a younger and thinner woman."
I was watching my neighbours cat while she was on holiday as her elderly mum wasn't able to. After a couple of days she phoned.. "How's Tiddles getting on?" She asked. "Tiddles is dead" I replied. After a while she sobbed.."that's so cold hearted, could you not have broken it to me a bit gentler than that. You could have said..Tiddles got stuck up a tree, the Fire Brigade tried to get her down, she fell and died instantly" "I'm sorry" I said.."you're right" "..and how's my mum?" ..she continued. I replied.."she got stuck up a tree..."
One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally said, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense, and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment…and what’s the use of that vintage hot rod?” Dick got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?” He replied, “You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Dick replied, “I wasn’t…”
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says, “License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What for?” Irish cop says, "Ye did nae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming.” Irish cop says, "Ye still did nae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.” London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?@ Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please.” London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.” Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.” The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down?”
Mick's dentist told him he needs to give him a prostate exam tomorrow. "He can piss off" says Mick, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but I know that can't be right". "It's only been a few weeks since he gave me the last one.! “
The wife has started having these weird fantasies..... Just Last night she had one where she wanted me to come home early from the pub and have dinner with her.....
Paddy and Murphy are going through the jungle, when they see a pride of lions in a clearing. Paddy throws a rock at them, and Murphy says, ''Don't do that, you will upset them'', So Paddy throws another rock, hitting a big lion on the head. The lion starts to chase them, with all the other lions in the pride after them. ''Quick run Murphy'', says Paddy, they will kill us''. ''Why should I run?'', Murphy says, ''you threw the fuking rock' !!