Army vs. Marines Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Silver Wedding Anniversary Present For our Silver Wedding Anniversary I put a map of the world on a corkboard and gave my wife a dart. I told her that we would go wherever the dart landed. She said she was aiming for anywhere in the Mediterranean. I am happy to announce that we will soon be spending two weeks by the baseboard in the laundry room.
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women, and then I want all the women to go with St. Peter ." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there stood only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you all to be the dominant male, and you were all whipped by your partners. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know -- my wife told me to stand here."
Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky, were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey, Jasper, There’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and Me stop in.” “But we are privates,” protests Jasper. “We are sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside. “Now, Jasper, I’m a gonna sit down and have me a drink.” “But we are privates,” says Jasper. “Are you blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We are sergeants now, so hush your mouth!” So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.” Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.” So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Jasper,” he says, “why did you give me the okay sign?” “Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But we are sergeants now!”
Two guys are walking through Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
Throw Yourself Into Work When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself." "Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy." "How?" asked Joe. "Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?" "I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.
Man approaches a lady of the night, "Do you take American Express". I`ve satisfied most demands up to now, but I`m pretty broad minded she replied.
Two detectives in a car pull over and start talking to a prostitute. One says "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" She says "Nope...but I've been swung by my nipples."
I was visiting a friend last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century', he said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that poor fly never knew what hit it...
Burning Building There was a burning building with a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde at the top. The firemen are yelling to the redhead to jump into a blanket and she jumps off the building and right as she was about to safely hit the blanket, they moved it and she dies. They yell to the brunette to jump but she says, “No I saw what you did to the redhead"! They shout, we don't like redheads! So, the brunette jumps and sure enough they move the blanket and she dies. Then they shout to the blonde to jump off into the blanket. But the blonde says, “no I saw what you did to them"! They shout we don't like them! The blonde then says: "I don't trust you guys, put the blanket on the ground and step back!"
Mystery Solved A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked: “What happened here?!” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?” “Yes,” was his incredulous reply. She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'heck' no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why in the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe anyone could stand to slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
The FBI had an opening for an assassin . After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.' MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
The Irish equivalent Sir Walter Raleigh was sitting on a park bench. With a pipe in his mouth trying to light it A passer by asked what are you smoking, a potato he replied.