Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. 'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?' The driver said, 'No problem. Have a go at it.' Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.' The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?' The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.' The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.' The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.' The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?' The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and, being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse had apparently already left. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch, and I began to pour out my heart and soul to the Lord. As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord, ' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, 'I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years.'
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
A drunk was walking down the beach when he stumbled upon a magic lamp. The sot picked up the lamp and gave it a brisk rub. Out popped a Genie. “Master,” said the genie, “You may have any three things you wish for, Your wish is my command.” The drunk pondered for a moment and wished for, “A bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.” Poof, a bottle appeared in his hand. The drunk put the bottle to his lips and took a big swig, tossing off about half the bottle. Zhazam, like magic the bottle refilled its self. “Master, what else do you require,” asked the genie? “You have two more wishes” The sot responded, “I want me two more bottles just like this one!”
Mick and Ed are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, and drinking beer when suddenly Ed says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.' Mick spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over, women like that are hard to find.'
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in - only a few shelves and display racks had been set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we are selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentlemen walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, and then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old-timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. When the officer approached the car the man immediately became beligerant for being pulled over. The officer finally having his fill of the guys lip told him "shut up. I'm going to haul you in and put you in jail until the chief gets back." The guy relizing he has gotten himself in deep trouble Began to try and explain his way out of it. "But, officer, I just wanted to say"the officer cut him off and told him once again "to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn''t have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman." God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you''ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history...
A distraught senior citizen phoned her Doctor's' office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the Medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this Prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
lie detector robot A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale...
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a Renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it? " "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
My private part died MY PRIVATE PART DIED An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursinghome. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.' 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'