My wife asked why I spoke so softly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister’s family expanded, so would his pay check. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister’s pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, “Having children is an act of God!” In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said… “Snow and Rain are also ‘acts of God’, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!”
A Trip to the Doctor A woman and a sickly baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed,” the woman replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight! You don’t have any milk.” “I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, my daughter is still trying to find parking, but I’m glad I came in.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What did he say?" "He said: 'Where did you get the s**tty hairdo?'"
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. He says, “John, I have some good news and some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.” The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.” John replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now that I know that I can handle the bad news, you mind telling me what it is?” The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of glasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?" "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
A Wealthy Arab Sheikh A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose: As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him. "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates." To this the Arab replied. "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. “No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly people, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor. Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.” “Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.” The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?
Or just being literal "Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?" And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
Horse raffle A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day. The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.” Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.” The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?” Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?” Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.” A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?” Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”