I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
A wife sent a message to her husband.. A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.” Husband: Who is Priscilla? Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message. Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about? Wife: Where are you?? Husband: Near the vegetable market. Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now... After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?” Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
A DEA police officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. From the first second he had a bad attitude about him, annoyed he had to muddy his clean boots out in the country. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Alright, you can search the ranch, but do not go in that field over there.” The DEA officer, clearly angry, says, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? DO you?!? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me?!?” He shouts. The rancher nods quietly, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, as he runs for all he’s worth. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs: “Your badge… Show him your BADGE!!!”
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and forcefully drags him into his office. The zookeeper then explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before visitors arrive at the zoo, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not about to lose the attention of the adoring crowd, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “HELP! HELP ME!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion when he suddenly hears the lion whisper: “Shut up you idiot! You wanna get us both fired?”
Crabs A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth, with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up……so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
Two socialites are conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.” The the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive.” Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.” Yet again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?” The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.” “Charm school!” the first woman cried. “For heaven’s sake, child, what on Earth for?” “Well, it comes in very handy. For example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a damn,’ I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?’
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.” But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?” “Well,” said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.”
Some things you just can't explain A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and all he kept saying was...."Some things you just can't explain....."Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied up her left foot to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right foot to another pole too. As soon as I finished milking the cow again she knocked down the bucket with her tail so I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt. As I was tying up her tail, my pants dropped down to the ground, and just then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain."
Dave is a good worker, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can’t be a team player and come. “I’m sorry Boss,” Said Dave, “I’m just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it seems I know everyone there is to know. Anyone famous at least.” “What do you mean?!?” Asks the boss with derision. “Who can you possibly know?” “Name someone famous,” shrugged Dave, “I’ll bet you I know him.” Amused, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about… Tom Cruise? You know Tom Cruise, Dave?” He smirks. “Oh yeah boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!” Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “President Xavier,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go. At the White House, Xavier spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let’s have a beer first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. “Pope Larry,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’s side, Dave asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'”
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This ‘duel’ would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good. The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast. When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long! Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute. As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the ground. The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise. The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. ‘We do not understand,’ said their leader, ‘Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!’ The Israelis replied. ‘Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.’