At a winery, the regular taster died At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?” “Ummm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
Lesson One An eagle was sitting on a tree — resting...doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree; but, I haven't got the energy", sighed the turkey. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients". The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, on the fifth day, he found himself proudly perched at the top. There, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bull s**t might get you to the top; but, it won't keep you there. Lesson Three A little bird was flying South for the winter. It was so cold, the bird's wings froze and he fell to the ground in a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! The bird lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lessons: 1.) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy. 2.) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend. 3.) And, when you're in deep s**t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!!! This concludes your two-minute management course.
It may help to say the word out loud and slowly... Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot. Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with. Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring. Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife. Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 200 pounds in a size six. Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man. Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole! "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?” After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.” The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?” He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
Theresa May(or may not) Did Dick Trickle? They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors, so what exactly did the Dickinsons do? Kris Kristofferson must of been thankful his parents didn't name him Jack. Jack Jackofferson would of been an awkward name to have growing up. I named my dog 5-Miles so I could tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday. Q: How do Chinese people name their kids. A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.
(1) I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. (2) I love deadlines. Especailly the whooshing sound as they go flying by. (3) Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it. (4) Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue. (5) Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. (6) I don’t have an attitude problem. You just have a perception problem. (7) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I wondered, where the heck is my ceiling? (8) My reality check bounced. (9) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. (10) I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier. (11) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. (12) Everybody is someone else’s weirdo. (13) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again. (14) Never argue with an idiot, they’ll just bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
A college student wrote a letter home: Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late. A few days later, he received a letter from his father: Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
Notice of my intention to leave the group. It may or may not be disappointing to some people to know that I have decided to leave this group, but I am sick & tired of the constant criticisms and insensitive remarks about things that have nothing to do with anyone else but me...people who I thought were my friends, clearly are not, & this breaks my heart... Okay...so my culinary tastes might seem strange to some people...I eat meat, & I drink...& I have a particular penchant for cucumbers & bananas...Which brings me to the matter of my sexual preferences, which I know might seem strange to some people, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with pegging, or the use of electro-shock on the genitals...& group sex with dwarves is only a ‘small’ perversion compared to the other matter...also, the police were particularly understanding when I explained that running naked through our local park recently whilst wearing nipple clamps & a vibrating strap on & brandishing a dildo in each hand is an ancient pagan custom...furthermore, the goats in my bedroom are strictly pets, so... Oh S**t! Wrong group! Please ignore all of the above...