My mother doesn’t like the word vagina, so she calls it a ‘Lulu’ which was very confusing when I met my cousin Lulu who coincidentally is a c***. As a British-Asian kid, I used to find fancy dress parties difficult. A child can’t be the life and soul of the party dressed up as Channel 4 news’s Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the RMS Titanic. A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows' A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging. To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian.
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, die and are at the Pearly Gates. St. Peters tells them that if they want to enter Heaven, they need to walk up stairs that have one hundred steps and that on each step, they'll be told a joke. If they laugh, they're immediately sent to Hell. So the brunette goes and on the third step, she cracks up because of the joke. Then the redhead goes and is able to control herself until the thirteenth step, but then cracks up too. It is the blonde's turn. She goes up every step and listens to the jokes without laughing. St. Peters is amazed and decides to give her a boring joke for the last step to see what will happen. So she hears the joke and cracks up. Before sending her to Hell, St. Peters asks her why she laughed at the very last step with a joke so boring and she simply answers, "Well, I just understood the joke from the first step!!!"
Why do not men get mad cow disease? Because most men are pigs. What has eight legs and an IQ of 40? Four men in front of the baseball game on tv. Why did God invent the man? Because a vibrator can not mow the lawn. What's dry before you put it in comes out soaking wet again and is very satisfying? Right, a tea bag. Mum, what's an orgasm? No idea, ask your father.
Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, ???I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.??? The next guy said, ???I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.??? The third guy says, ???I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.??? Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, ???What are you guys talking about?' ???Just about how good our sons are doing,??? the three men replied. ???Well, my son is doing very well,??? says the fourth man, ???He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.??
They are thinking of banning Strictly Come Dancing on television, as it is messing up the studio floors.
A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large beast and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?" His mother replies "That's his trunk". The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk." The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail". The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail." The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit. Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?" The dad replies, "That's his trunk." "No, behind that!" says the kid. "Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father. "NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid. His dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's p*n*s." The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing." His father replied, "Son, that's because your mom's been spoiled."
Man desperate for work travels 20 miles to apply for a job on a building site for a position as a hod carrier. The foreman says you can start tomorrow, pay being fifty pounds an hour. Astonished the man accepts, then looking around asks if he can wait in a nearby hut, as his next train home is not due for another hour. The foreman replies What hut? that's not a hut, that's your hod.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
One day Jesus and Moses were playing a round of Golf at the Heavenly Acres Golf Club. They approached Hole number 9, which is a 200 yard hole with a large pond between the tee box and the green. Moses stepped up first, lined up his shot, and took the safe route, landing on the fairway on the shore of the pond, well to the right of the hole. Jesus stepped up, and said "You know, Tiger woods won the Masters on this same hole at Augusta, and he got it in in two strokes- by using his nine iron to go straight for the green... if Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." So Jesus pulled out his nine iron, hit it and of course the ball plopped straight into the pond. Moses chuckled, then split the pond in half, so Jesus could walk down and get the ball. Jesus returned the ball to the drop spot, and still weilding his nine iron said "If Tiger Woods can do it, so can I." Predictably, the ball ended up in the pond again. "Jesus, you're on your own with this one." So Jesus began to walk across the pond to retrieve his ball. With all this going on, another pair of golfers had caught up with them, and now were waiting for Jesus and Moses to finish up on the hole. Upon seeing Jesus walking on the pond, one of the men said "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses turned to him and said, "No, Tiger Woods."
Castle tour in Scotland. The visitor asks the steward: "Tell me, is there any pegs here?" He laughs "All nonsense. I have not seen one yet and I live here over 911 years! "
Two hunters go hunting and hike through the forest. Suddenly one of them reaches for his throat and falls to the ground. The other hunter panics and calls the ambulance: "I think my friend is dead, what now?" The doctor says: "Calm down! First of all, make sure your friend is really dead. "A short pause, then a shot. Then he comes back to the phone. "OK, done, and what now?"
If a blind man comes to a fish shop and says, "Hello girls!" A blind man goes to the microsoft store with his dog. In the sports department, he grabs his four-legged friend's tail and whirls it over his head. A frightened saleswoman: "Leave the dog alone!" Then the blind man: "One will probably be allowed to look around!" The Major League Player asks a referee: "What's your dog's name?" "I do not have a dog ..." "Oh, I'm sorry, blind - and no dog."
Little Susie comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for sending someone a valentine? Susie's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to send a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to send Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then! ... he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Susie, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," says Susie. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the s**t out of him."