Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now... No Jesus No Christmas No television No cheerleaders No cricket No football No hockey No golf No BBQ parties No K Mart No Bunnings No pork BBQ No hot dogs No burgers No chocolate chip cookies No lobster No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks No gumbo No fried rice No Beer Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
Donald Trump and Boris Johnson meet for dinner with guests at the White House. Asks one of the guests: "Mr. President, what are you talking about all day long?" "We are planning the 3rd World War." "And what does he look like?" Trump: "We kill 36 million Muslims and a dentist ..." The guest looks a bit confused: "Why a dentist?" Boris Johnson slaps Donald on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you, Donald, no one will ask about the Muslims ..."
Just been for a microsoft job interview.. Interviewer asked me if I could program under pressure... I said... yes of course I can.. and I also do an excellent update version for 1903 too.. as well as your updates! To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word! Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other one says, "I’m a big metal fan." Luke takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says: "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah," says Luke. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!" How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents! *You should know that Wladimir served 15 years as a foreign intelligence officer for the KGB, including six years in Dresden, East Germany.* Dmitry and Wladimir went to Dresden to become sperm donors. It was a disaster! Dmitry missed the streetcar and Wladimir missed the bus! Dmitry walking home from the moscow pub when he finds a woman tied to the railway track. He frees her and takes her home where they make passionate love all night. The next day Dmitry drinking with Wladimir when he boasts about the night before. "So what does she look like Dmitry?" asks Wladimir. "I don't know," replies Dmitry. "I haven't found her head yet!"
These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." PERSONAL INTERESTS: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse." "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget." "I'm a rabid typist." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and 85,000.00$ He ask why this was in the box. She replied ???when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies
CODIFIED CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS Spoiler: Laws of Force and Motion A body in motion will remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. The force applied times the comedy modulus equals the acceleration. Every action has a reaction of an amount that causes the funniest result. A red traffic light can cause all toons that can see it to stop where they are, even in midair. Motion resumes when the light turns green. A policeman blowing a whistle can do anything a traffic light can do. As speeds increase, objects can be in more than one place at a time. Ricocheting off walls increases this effect. Spinning, fighting, panic, and throttling are common examples. Motion is always accompanied by funny sound effects. Several motions, formerly quite possible for a toon, are now impossible, now that vocal sound effect creator Mel Blanc has died. The following items generate attraction forces: Money, food, pleasant scent, mud puddle, pond, magnet, cliff, policeman. The following items generate repulsive forces: Hazard, bully, jumping in water, ugly toon, ghost, skunk, matrimony. Spoiler: Gravity A body suspended in space will remain suspended in space until made aware of the situation. Gravity is transmitted by slow waves of long wavelength, stretching a falling object until the highest part starts to fall. The time it takes an object to fall 20 stories is greater than the time it takes whoever knocked it off to spiral down 20 flights to catch it. Usually the object breaks Sometimes it flattens the catcher. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. A sharp object will always propel a toon upward. The feet of a fleeing toon, and the wheels of a fleeing vehicle, need not ever touch the ground. Everything falls faster than an anvil. A safe or a large rock can fall slower than an anvil only when falling behind a falling anvil. A red traffic light can halt objects that are falling. This lasts until the light turns green, when they resume their original falling speed. A toon can climb out of a falling vehicle halted by a red light and walk out of frame if the "WALK" sign comes on while the light is red. Spoiler: Properties of matter Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. The main forces generating this effect are skunks, ghosts, and matrimony. This effect can be negated by paint (see next entry). Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to look like doors or tunnel entrances. Others can't. The toon who painted the opening is always constrained to the original reason it was painted. A toon successfully passing through the entrance does not leave a perforation in the wall. A toon failing to enter is stopped by solid matter intervening suddenly, unless driven by a skunk, a ghost, or matrimony, where it will leave a perforation. The toon passing through the entrance may enter a different environment than the toon leaving a perforation. Once a perforation has been made in the wall the opening was painted on, the painted opening no longer functions. Doors knocked off their hinges can create or destroy openings in whatever they happen to lean against. A toon can take a hole from one surface and apply it to another surface when needed. Holes can also be dragged. Toons and scenery can be extremely flexible when necessary. A toon can hide behind anything, unless failure to hide is funnier. Rabbits can tunnel from here to there in less than 20 seconds, and emerge clean. Robots and computers will always make stupid mistakes: A robot approaching an already open door will swing the door the other way and crash through the wall. A robot stopped by suddenly intervening solid matter will always lose its head. It will then grope around trying to find it, and put some other device (such as a toaster) on where the head goes. A robot will fall apart at the funniest moment. A computer making a mistake will behave like a stuck record. Computers blow up or burn out when given impossible to solve problems. A fat toon jumping into a body of liquid can displace the entire amount of liquid forcefully into the surroundings. Spoiler: Object permanence The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" toons, who can make items appear at will. Toon solid wastes can be recycled just by throwing them outside the frame (e.g. an empty spinach can). Violent rearrangements of toon matter are temporary. A toon will always assume the shape of its container. A toon taken apart can reassemble itself. Explosions and weapons are never fatal. They temporarily turn toons black and smoky. Drinking a chemical makes a toon change color or size, makes it grow hair, or turns it into something else. Only ink solvent can kill a toon. But the cartoonist can resurrect the toon by drawing it again. When a toon is aware of being in a cartoon, it can play with the elements used in making a cartoon: Toons in any medium can do fantastic things with pencils, pens, ink, and erasers. A toon in any medium can interact with the cartoonist. Toons in comic strips can play with the talk balloons, the frames, the artist's signature, or the copyright message. A toon in a newspaper or a comic book can play with other parts of the publication by cutting a hole in the page it is printed on. Toons in cine cartoons can play with the soundtrack, the framing, the camera, the cameraman, the projector, the screen, the titles, subtitles, or the credits. A toon in a cine cartoon can jump into or converse with the audience. Real actors in mixed action/animation films can have all of the powers of toons. This entire effect is called Comic Existentialism. Spoiler: Other laws For every vengeance, there is an equal, but opposite revengeance. Dynamite is the quantum unit of (and always appears with) animosity. Favored weapons: mallet, anvil, dynamite, pie, cake, seltzer water, skillet, dishes, rolling pin, boxing glove on a spring, boulder, huge flyswatter, safe, piano, jello, flypaper, guitar, broom, skunk, glue, and beehive. Spinach imparts powers of strength, and ability to change into other objects. Nothing can happen unless it eventually leads to something funny. Brand names in cartoons fall into two categories: Acme Something punny (e.g. Haxwell Mouse Coffee) Stupidity is reflexive, symmetric, transitive, and indestructible. The following cartoons follow terrestrial laws of physics instead of cartoon laws of physics: Documentary and instructional material. Adaptations of non-cartoon literature. Science fiction.
Senior Sex Therapy A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
A nun runs out of gas A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along. The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?'' ''Melons,'' the blonde replies. ''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?'' The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
A flea female at the end of the long line in front of Noah's Ark is fed up with waiting. She jumps from one animal to another, slowly approaching the ark. When she lands on the back of an elephant, the pachyderm turns to his partner and scolds: "I knew it! Get started with pushing and jostling! " Yen is dying, his loved ones are with him. Before his last hour beats, he whispers: "I have something to confess to you. Before I got married, I had everything a man wanted. Fast cars, pretty girls and lots of money. But a good friend warned me: 'Marry and start a family. Otherwise there will not be anyone in your hour of death to give you a glass of water if you want to drink something. 'I followed his advice. Instead of the girls I now had a wife and instead of beer baby porridge. I sold my Ferrari, invested money for the study of my children. Now I'm lying here, and shall I tell you something? " "What?" "I'm not thirsty!"