Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!" Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!" And the blonde yells,!!!" "FIRE
Chair Man of the Board Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
those valkyries are not going to carry a corpse.. not in those shoes.. and not on that grass. no way.
Chester sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting". The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there" Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?" Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him" So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"? The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f------g ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.
I went to a disco last night, they played The Twist so i did the twist. They played Jump and i jumped. Then they played Come On Eileen, i got kicked out.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Man from Cupertino comes to Redmond for the first time and sees the Redmond Parade and fireworks. "Wow eyh, great parade and fireworks, horny city, here I stay". Said and done. First, he needs an apartment. So he goes to a newspaper, gives up a newspaper advertisement. The next day he gets an offer: 100 square meters, totally cheap. "Wow eyh, Redmond, great parade and fireworks, cheap apartments, here I stay! Now a job. He goes back to the newspaper, gives an advertisement. The next day he gets a Microsoft job. Little work, but a lot of money. "Wow eyh, Redmond! Parade, fireworks, cheap apartments, great jobs, here I am! Now only a girlfriend. Said and done. Again to the newspaper, at the ad acceptance he says to the female employee: "Hey, I want to give up a newspaper ad - Girlfriend wanted". She asked me, "Surely, ... one column or two columns?" Wow eyh, R E D M O N D !!! One day a man died and found himself in hell again. As he walked in desperation through hell, he met the devil for the first time. Why are you so desperate? What do you think? I am in hell. Hell is not so bad, we have a lot of fun here. Are you a drinker? Sure, I love drinking. Well, you'll love the Fridays. We drink all Fridays: schnapps, beer, whiskey, tequila everything. That sounds great! Are you a smoker? Sure. You will love Saturdays. We smoke the best cigarettes / cigars from all over the world all day long. Do you get cancer ... who cares? .. you're already dead. That's just great. I bet you are a player. Of course I am one. On Sunday you can play everything your heart desires: Poker, Roulette, Blackjack everything you want. Are you broke, who cares? .. you're dead. What about drugs? Are you kidding? I love drugs. Do you mean ... Yes of course Monday is drug day. You can take all the drugs you want ... you're dead, who cares. I never thought that Hell was such a cool place. Are you from Apple? No. Oh .. you'll hate the Microsoft Patchday ...