Evil man died and was met at the gates of hell by satan. Satan explained that the man had three choices when showing him around. The first room opened up to reveal a man hanging upside down writhing in agony. The second room revealed a man lying down over a roasting spit howling. The third room was occupied with people standing waist deep in s**t. The man didn't fancy the first two, decided on the third. Having waded into the filthy mess suddenly there was an announcement. OK everyone, tea break over, back on your heads.
When NASA began sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens do not work in weightlessness. To address the problem, NASA researched a decade and spent twelve billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in weightlessness, upside down, underwater, on all surfaces and at almost any temperature. The Russians used a pencil. In the Brooklyn Mirage club: He: "Do you want to dance?" She: "Yes, gladly!" He: "Ok, great, then go dancing and I talk to your girlfriend for so long." In 1453, Dracula decided to drink only from 18-year-old virgins. In 2019 he starved to death. Emma to Dad: I wish as a gift a pony for Christmas. Dad: Alright. Emma: Really, I love you dad! Papa on Christmas: Come on we have to go to your'e hairdressing appointment.
Lawyers A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an accomplice. A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called a lawyer.
WAR OF 1812 AT WALMART... Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress, enough of my psychological fixations. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?" "No," I replied. "Then why are you wearing that cap?" "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort. "The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?" God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1946", I answered, as straight-faced as possible. He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1946?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to become fun! "Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission." "Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything." "Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we? "The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw him leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot. What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap. Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place. Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap! See you guys at Walmart!!
Little Jimmy was in class when he wanted to pee. He put his hand up and said "miss i want to do a wee wee". Miss says "that is a stupid baby word, you say you want to do a number 1". Jimmy says "miss i want to do a number 1", miss says yes and off he goes. A little while later Tommy puts his hand up and said "miss i want to do a biz". Miss says "that is a stupid baby word, you say you want to do a number 2". Tommy says "miss i want to do a number 2", miss says yes and off he goes. A little while later Jimmy puts his hand up and says "miss, Teddy Loughton wants to fart, whats his number?"
Two crocodiles sitting at the side of the river. Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Pretoria. 'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase,,,,
"By the way": Trump threatens impeachment The only impeachment procedure that exists with us is a piece of lead.
A man wants to buy some farm animals so he goes over to a store and asks the clerk for a rooster. The clerk gives him the rooster and tells him that they call roosters cocks around here and that you should pull their head when they get noisy. The man says O. K and asks for a donkey. The clerk gives the man the donkey but tells the guy that they call donkeys asses around here and that you scratch them when they get noisy. The man says fine and stars walking home. Half way there the animals get real noisy and the man has his hands full. So he runs over to two people walking by and says "Quick hold my **** and pull it while I scratch my ***."
After working several year as a maid for the same family, she decided to ask the woman of the house for a raise. the woman, a bit surprised asked: "How come you was asking for the raise in these times of global financial downfall?" The maid says: Well, your husband always says than i clean the house better than you ever did. The women says: "Did he really say that?" "Yes" said the maid. "Also i cook way better than you." the woman says: "Is that so?" The maid says: "yes, your husband also told me that" "What?!!?" says the woman. "He did." The maid continued and said: "I am also way better in bed than you." The woman says: "What.. did my b@stard of a husband also say that?" "No." said the maid: "The gardener did."
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's & 80's ! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets. When we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy toffees, gobstoppers, bubble gum and some crackers to blow up frogs. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day . . . and we were okay. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no videos or DVD films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms . . . WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time. We were given air rifles and catapults for our 10th birthdays. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door, rang the bell or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help Dad make ends meet! Footy and cricket had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on merit! Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bullies always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! Congratulations! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, show this to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
I agree with everything you said and we are still alive to tell the tale. Off topic reply so i "spoilered" it. Spoiler Back then parents didnt wrap their kids in cotten wool. We ran across train tracks(line was overhead not 3rd rail) and we got chased by plod and out ran them. We found porno mags in strange places. We played and got dirty. If you dropped food you picked it up and ate it because we had immune systems. We drank fizzy drinks and squash not "mountain water". Schooltime lunch was a crusty loaf with the end cut off, the bread all pulled out and filled with chips. We rode our bikes all day during summer holidays, we went home when we were hungry. Drank from any old water tap because we had immune systems. We walked to school or rode our bikes. We had 9 in an uncles ford, seatbelts? When it pissed down o rain during the 6 week holiday you got bored then found some s**t to do. You cheeked anyone you got a clip round the earole. We had 1 television in the house and we all sat and watched Morecambe and Wise, Night At The Palladium etc, all, as a family, not each in a different room. We had "Charley Says" and other public information films. "dont accept sweets from strangers", we had kiddy fiddlers in those days. We built pushbikes from old parts laying around or what we could pinch, and 9 times out of 10 those bikes didnt have brakes, thats what yer shoes were for. Kids of today are pussies of pussy parents and the worst part is i went to school with them We didnt have it hard by any means but we did what kids should be doing at that age. Looking back it wasnt that bad, or bad at all, it was good, it was fun and it did us no harm. Maccy d's? Pie and Mash That was a PROPER treat Jam sarnies as a packed lunch Staying up late to watch James Bond was a treat. Old war films on saturday and sunday afternoons Delenco sausages School dinners were the same as you got at home, better sometimes. You got seconds if you were lucky and there wasnt a turkey twizzler in sight. Happiness was lego, meccano, a hornby train set, a dinky toy, corgi car. or a tonka toy. Happiness was taking an old mono tape player to school with your Derek and Clive tape the same year all the other kids got boom(not what we called them back then) boxes. Happiness was getting a Rolling Stones compilation double cassette for christmas
"Your start menu isn't working. We'll try to fix it the next time you sign in." Microsoft not confirms full Windows 10 source code has leaked but Volodimir BuggiCorp. It is time to die - bye!
A newlywed couple and their families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier. "Your Honor, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know,... it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music STILL continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts." "Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge. "You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and gave me a fat lip!"
Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench ...Liam looked at Noah. "Yo dude, did you do anything fun this weekend?" Noah replied," Not really, how about you?" "Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night and he had toilet bowls made of pure gold, You wouldn't believe it!" "No way dude, that's impossible, I don't remember Joe being rich" "Come with me and see for yourself if you don't believe me" Later that day, both Liam and Noah went to Joe's house. Noah rang the doorbell and Joe's mama opens the door. Noah quickly asks," My friend came to Joe's party last night and claimed that you have toilet bowls made of gold, is that really true?" She stood there for a while and yells back into the house. "Alfred, that scumbag that s**t in your tuba is here!"