A woman is sitting on the toilet one morning and she discovers a green spot the size of a Euro coin, on de upper part of both her inside legs, one on the left and one on the right. She goes to see the doctor, cause she is worried about it. The doctor makes his diagnosis and says, well this is nothing serious, it seems you have a relationship with a gipsy man. The women replies, yes, but how do you know that. Well the doctor says, you should tell your gipsy friend that his earrings are not made of real gold.
An Italian named Antonio buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father, Antonio, answered, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Italian father takes a slow swig from his stock 84 brandy, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine." Second bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to 'take care of'. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, soI simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third bull: "s**t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened. The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..." The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 21. When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers. “Oh honey!” said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?” “No…” said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks named Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I can't swim or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!" "Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!" This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and builds a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge. Finally, Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I can't take no more!! Everyday for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge, have at it." Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that there bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up on to the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up and turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove, panting and gasping, under the bed. "Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you were gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" "I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered. "Rufus! cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?" "Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus," I went to the bridge and I stepped up on the bridge and walked halfway over the bridge. I looked up..." "And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense. "And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" and he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!"
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'No possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip s**t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!! WHAT THE F…..K?????? I'm pretty sure Mike Tyson ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the F……. ing living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S: My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!! Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part." Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. 2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
Enjoy. BRAINS OF BRITAIN UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) : Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you --------------------------------------------------------------- BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester ------------------------------------------------------------ BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong. Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? ----------------------------------------------------------- LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS ) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ? Contestant: France . Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris . --------------------------------------------------------------- THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? ------------------------------------------------------------------ UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? ------------------------------------------------------------------ GWR FM ( Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER ) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? Contestant: Forrest Gump. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. ... ... Richard: He makes bread . . . Contestant: Er .. ....... Richard: He makes cakes . . . Contestant: Kipling Street ? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona . Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific.. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ROCK FM ( PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ? Caller: Japan . Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ........... Mexico ? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE ) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland ? Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.. Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ? Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? Contestant: No. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er... ..... .. Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . Contestant: Blimey? Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . Contestant: (Silence) Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .. Contestant: Walked? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. ------------------------------------------------------------------ LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ God help us!
dementia quiz first question: You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are in second place! Try to do better next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, ok? Second question: If you overtake the last person, then you are....? (scroll down) ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are..... Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person?? You're not very good at this, are you? Third question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for the correct answer..... ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100... If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe... Fourth question: Mary 's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? 2. What is the name of the fifth daughter? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn't. Her name is mary ! Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round, i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants? ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ it's really very simple he opens his mouth and asks for it. .. Does your employer actually pay you to think?? If so do not let them see your answers for this test! ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Harry and Sally, were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,Harry kissed Sally goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Sally cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what Harry and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat!.After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Sally 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know,' said Mrs.Harry quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Sally exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Sally 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around to get a good look'. 'A good look?' said Sally, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Sallyl leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod ?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Sally fainted!
Two cannibals were eating on a clown while one of the cannibals say to the other, doesn't he taste funny. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. I was going to the clairvoyance meeting, but it was canceled due to unforseen events. Atoms have mass? I wasn't even aware they were Catholic.
Wrong Email A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: 16 May 2003 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Police Emergency This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Sherlock and Watson Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Knock at the Door A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
A Riddle For The Day Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi's. What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ---------------------------------------------------------- The answer is: "A Last Name." Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!