"According to a new report, Nigeria owes over £500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats in London. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name."
NASA have announced that in a few years they aim to develop a telescope that can detect the gases in the atmospheres of distant planets. Wouldn’t that be a Smelloscope?
A woman's husband dies. He had only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went to the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?" Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three and a half carats".
Three men were discussing their wives. "My wife tells me I'm so distinguished," said the first, "that I look like an ambassador." "Well," replied the second. "My wife tells me I'm so intelligent-I'm the best-read man she has ever met." "My wife's proud of me too," said the third. "Everytime a deliveryman comes to the door, she announces,'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
John just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night. "What about my sex life?" asked John. "Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that was not the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years" he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow larger over the years?" He shrugged and replied "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" He lived......... and with extensive therapy, may even walk again.
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the minced beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of minced beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
Floyd the Rooster Floyd the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So he buys Floyd. The farmer takes Floyd home and sets him down in the barnyard--then gives the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Floyd seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Floyd took off like a shot. WHAM! Floyd nailed every hen in the hen house, three or four times. The farmer was flabbergasted After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Floyd was there. Later, the farmer saw Floyd after a flock of geese by the lake. Once again, WHAM! Floyd got all the geese. By sunset the farmer saw Floyd in the field chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't last even 24 hours. The farmer went to bed. When he awoke the next day, he found Floyd on his back--stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive bird, shook his head and said "Oh, Floyd, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Floyd opened one eye, nodded toward the vultures circling in the sky and said, "Shhh! They're getting closer."
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the s**t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all! " The lion answers, "That little fukker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" His mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" His father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem." After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife? He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed, "Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!"
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused, "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”