On a large farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom liked to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around wildly, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? 'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks! Good thing I have a Harley!
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house. As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms. The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
"My best mate at school was born with with 14 fingers and 18 toes.He wasnt very good at most subjects but whenever I struggled at maths I could allways count on him.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then died peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the fuking wall!""
If you think, for one second, you’ve got a bad job, on your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. I want you to go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice there is a disclosure in very fine print that reads: “Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.” Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Have a wonderful day knowing that, no matter how bad it is, there is always a job that’s more of a pain than yours.
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Good, Bad and Worse Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills Worse: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Worse: You're in them. Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Worse: So are you. Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting. Worse: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Grandma, sitting in bed, proclaims "Hmmm -- I fancy a bowl of ice cream right now". Grandpa, who is walking around, quickly suggests "Oh, I'll go get you a bowl, dear." "You old fool", she replies, "you'll just go to the kitchen and forget why you're there. It'll be faster if I get it". "No, no, no honey. A bowl of ice cream - simple. I'll be right back" he says as he shuffles off the the kitchen. However, as he stares into the fridge, he can't quite remember what he's supposed to fetch for his wife. He decides that she wanted some eggs and so he quickly scrambles up a couple for her. He returns to his wife with the plate of eggs and a fork and immediate hears: "You old fool! I knew you'd forget!! Where's the bacon?!"