Two Aussie builders ( Phil and Eric ) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: I reckon he`s an accountant. Eric: No way - he`s a stockbroker. Phil: He ain`t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn`t come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal., Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: No offence taken! I`m a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: Oh! Whats that then? Suit: I`ll try to explain by example .. Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: Er...Mmm, Well yeah, I do as it happens. Suit: Well, it`s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: It`s in a pond! Suit: Well then it`s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden. Phil: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: Well then it`s logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house. Phil: As it happens I`ve got a five-bedroom house... built it myself. Suit: Well given that you`ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven`t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil: Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: Me? Never. Suit: Well there you are! That`s logical science at work! Phil: How`s that then? Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I`ve told you about your sex life! Phil: I see! That`s pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: I see the suit was in there,. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: Yep! He`s a logical scientist! Eric: What`s that then? Phil: I`ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: Nope Phil: Well then you`re a wanker.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.. However, little Paul was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Paul aside to ask him,"Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He plays hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
A woman was in bed with her lover A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice". The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept. A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue. The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He didn't move at all. They did it. A couple of hours later, she repeats the process - he is still passed out - they repeat the pairing. Then Just before dawn the wife wants one more ride. So she reaches over and plucks a third ass hair! Whereupon the husband looks at the lover and says, "I don't mind you screwing my wife but do you have to keep score on my ass??
I got a new stick of deodorant today. I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
A woman is driving towards home from work, In Northern Arizona. When she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Knowing the trip will be long, she stopped the car and asked the woman to get in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances suspiciously at a brown bag in the front of the seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag." Offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got for my husband." The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and said, "hm good trade."
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. And the practice is unbroken to this day..
man walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get the pig?" man says, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!" Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"
an englishman an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar, the barman takes one look at them and tells them to f**k off
There were three women who were at the gynaecologist having pre-natal check-ups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "What's the matter ?" asked the Doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?".....
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. Once they finish, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.” She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?” Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”