On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back with a potato around his penis. The wife gave him a weird look, and then the husband replied: "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator."
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the cat shoots back in the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!!"
A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ...... numba 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled one he queries......... "You want... Beef wif Broccori.
Our family were so poor, I remember one christmas I got a empty Action Man box,, I said whats this dad ? He said an Action Man Deserter,,
Woman at butchers, A pound of kidly if you please. Butcher, Surely you mean a pound of kidney Madam. Women, That's what I said didle I.
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, 'Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?' 'I'm a cow.' 'Right, right. What do you do?' 'I make milk for the farmer.' 'Cool.' The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. 'Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?' 'I'm a chicken.' 'Oh, right. What do you do?' 'I make eggs for the farmer.' 'Right, great, see ya round.' Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, 'Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?' 'I am a Stallion,' said the stallion. 'Wow,' said the zebra. 'What do you do?' 'Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you.'
A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"
My wife is incredibly smart. When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!” She already knew it was me.
The definition 'Bravery' True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys..... Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....
The reason why parachutists are taught to cross their legs when jumping. Experts have decided that if a parachute fails to open, It is easier and cheaper to unscrew the body than having to hoist it up using a crane.
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if -" The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Nigel Farrage, former leader of the UK Independence Party, was involved in plane crash when an Election Day stunt went wrong. Air accident investigators have discovered the cause. Apparently the plane had two right wings..
To all those old enough to remember Roy Rogers the singing cowboy who starred in many films. Roy Rogers was riding across the plains when he came across a platoon of soldiers. The Captain approached Roy saying "bad news I`m afraid" , Indians have raided your ranch. Roy replied "I must hurry home". Captain said "hang on a minute they have burnt your place down". Roy "I really must be going now". Captain "hold on Roy more bad news, they have raped and murdered your wife". Roy "I really really must be getting back so you must excuse me". Captain "one last thing Roy, can you sing us a song before you go".
Man kneeling by his bed, wife says "What are you praying for?" Husband says "Guidance" Wife says "Pray for stiffness and I'll guide it myself!"