The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
Four Jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach. They were all philosophising on what was the fastest thing in the world. Seymour said, " Me tink de fasses ting is a thought, because b4 u can tink it it already thought." Winston said, " Nah man, da fassess ting is a blink, cos b4 you tink 2 blink you dun blink already." Delroy said, " No man, da fassess ting is helectricity becas when you turn on de light it travel fass and de lite come on." Leroy say, " Nah man, You is aaaaaaalll wrong man !!! I knows dat for a Fact dat De fassess ting in de world most definite is diarrhoea, Cos las nite b4 i could tink, blink,or switch on de lite, Me s**t meself
A Brave Husband This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So, he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Richard a village doctor was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will. When he got home and told his wife asked of what he had seen and done. His wife asked, "Was the patient really that bad?" Richard said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only idiot called out on a night like this."
I was playing football for my local pub team last Sunday, when the ref started handing out cards left, right and centre. Silly bastard...Christmas isn't for another month yet.
Boss: “The word 'Impossible' does not exist in my dictionary!” Secretary: “Well Sir, maybe you should have checked it first before buying it.”
A blonde goes to the library: “I borrowed a book from you last week, but it was so boring! No action at all, only a huge amount of numbers!” “Aha, so it was you who took our phone book!”
Knowing Your Wife Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
The Super Salesman A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." the manager at the office replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!" "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." He was gone about two hours and when he returned, he handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. "How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked. "I told you, I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!" "Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He was gone about eight hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He put the buckets down, reached in his shirt pocket, took out two bottles of urine, set them on the desk and said, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's." "That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
Early Christmas Joke A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Not Married Yet Sitting in the bar George asked his forty-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?" John: "I haven't found the right woman yet." George: "So what are you looking for?" John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and housekeeper, she's got to know how to handle finances, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and if she has her own house it wouldn't hurt either." George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" John: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy too."
Golf Resort A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one pound. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a pound. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another pound. His room is only a pound a day! The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees: Golf: £1.00 Dinner: £1.00 Room: £1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: £3,000.00 He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one Pound, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?” “I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.” “Well, said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand quid a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!” “That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager. “Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”