I said to my wife, " I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son." She said, "It's natural." "Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."
Kitty Knows Best A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home – and left the cat there. Hours later, the man called home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?” “Yes”, the wife replied, “why do you ask?” Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a b*!ch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
A young girl who was writing a paper for school A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?” The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
"We live in an uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself: 'I wonder how long he’s been dead?'"
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the same?” Husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
A police officer officer stops a car... A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?” The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally take my driver’s license test!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!” A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!” An immigrant from the trunk is yelling: “Hey, are we past the border now?!!”
Bulls testicles and a mayor In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bulls testicles. One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: Funny, why are they so small today? Today, sir, the bull won.
My wife sent me a picture earlier with the message, "This is what's waiting for you when you get home." I'm not sure if I'm getting lucky or we're having chicken.
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural West Virginia on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone. The other hunter exclaimed : “Wow! That was the most sportsman like act I’ve ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone’s dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!” The first hunter nodded and said; “Well…… we were married for 42 years.”
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer…. ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’ Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes…. and you’re barefoot. A sexy babe catches your fancy…. and your pacemaker opens the garage door. Going braless…. pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. You don’t care where your spouse goes….. Just as long as you don’t have to go along. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor…. instead of by the police. ‘Getting a little action’….. means you don’t need to take any fiber today. “Getting lucky”….. means you find your car in the parking lot. An ‘all-nighter’…. means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND ‘OLD’ IS WHEN… You are not sure these are jokes?
Little lad walking down the street at 2am when a copper approaches him... "And where are you going at this time of the night sonny"... the lad says "I'm looking for a prostitute"... The cop asks "Why would you be looking for a prostiute"... the lad says "I want to get a dose of the clap"... "Whatever makes you want that" asks the cop... "Well, If I get the clap i can give it to the maid, the maid can give it to father, father he can give it to mother and mother can give it to the gardener coz he's the bastard that killed my tortoise!!..
A wife was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs, she pointed to her forehead and asked her husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?" "What?" he asked, "the wrinkles?"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars. - Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sleeping in Class! A teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him, Little boy: “teacher are you sleeping in class?” Teacher: “No I am not sleeping in class.” Little boy: “What were you doing sir?” Teacher: “I was talking to God.” The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him. Teacher: “young man, you are sleeping in my class.” Little boy: “No, not me sir, I am not sleeping.” Angry teacher: “What were you doing?” Little boy: “I was talking to God.” Angry teacher: “What did he say?” Little boy: “God said he never spoke to you yesterday.”
A CHRISTMAS PANTOMIME Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. ‘Mist all chucking frighty!!!’ said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in… Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. ‘Who’s fust jarted??’ asked the prandsome hince. ‘Blame that fugly ucker over there!!’ said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny! Now that’s what we call a bucking frilliant tittle lale!
The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
I went on a blind date last night. I asked,"Do you like Peppa Pig?" She said,"Yes." I said,"Waiter,can we have some pepper over here please?".
Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars. - Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.