After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburettor. Last year on a bitterly cold winter's day, a motorcycle cop on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather. "What's the matter? asked the cop "Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Piss on it. That'll thaw it out." "I can't," said the biker. "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The cop unzipped and promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the local police station received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill.........”.
Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?” - “No”, she replies sleepily. - “I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!” - Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
I've always been unpopular... Even as a toddler my imaginary friend used to go to play with the kids next door..
After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.' 'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously. He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!' She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?' 'I'm Just Kidding!' (The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).
I recently had to use a public phone box in London, and was shocked to see a card advertising advertising a 'Spanking by a naughty nurse, any time'. No wonder my wife has been waiting for a operation for 18 months when these so-called healthcare professionals are willing to abandon their patients at the drop of a hat in order to attend to someone's sexual lustings.
Man in a helicopter A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
It’s always in the last place you look, right? Grandma Gilda’s first great-grandchild was born and after a few weeks, when the parents needed a break, she was given the job of watching her. “Let me see the little cutie,” begged her friend Maxine, on a visit, as the two were having tea. “Not yet,” Gilda responded. When she again refused five minutes later, Maxine had had enough. “What are you waiting for?” she fumed. “I’m waiting for her to cry,” Gilda said. “Why is that?” questioned Maxine. “Well, because I forgot where I put her!”
SO here it goes:: A priest and a rabbi A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? " The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" The rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? The priest replied, " Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
This morning my dog looked at me and then said, Tell me a joke. I replied, No, you don't understand human jokes. Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog? He complained. Ok, I said, Knock Knock. Then he ran off shouting, It's the door, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the feckin door!!
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.” “Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.” “But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.” “Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.” Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!” “True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
I remember getting that "gut instinct" when I was younger. After years of drinking now all i get is indigesrion heartburn & reflux
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
Doctor gave his Patient a bacteria medicine to make it go away and told him to take every other day at 17:00 sharp When the Patient came back two weeks later Doctor: did u take ur medicine .? Patient: Yes sir at 16:55 every other day Doctor: why 16:55 Patient: 5min early To surprise the bacteria
My fat obese wife was mad when I told her she shouldn't wear her high-heels. "What," she hissed, "I still have the right to feel feminine and sexy, even though I'm on the plus-size !" Anyway, that bouncy castle stood no chance.