It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? (Pause as he listens.) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
Senior Citizen Yesterday my wife suggested why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys of my own age. I did this, and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club . She said "Are you nuts? You're 60 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week! Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier
BBC Website "Five things everyone with a vagina should know" I would imagine they are: How to make a sandwich How to use an iron How to get a beer from the fridge How not to drive a car How to put your knees behind your ears
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner saw him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
Had your Christmas Party yet, just remember these Time-Honored Truths Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. The older you get, the better you realize you were. I doubt, therefore I might be. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. "Fair enough" says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99". The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go". The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99". The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100". The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred". The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poops by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a huge fortune once his sickly father died. Tom wanted two things: - To learn how to invest his massive inheritance. - To find a wife to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at forward planning than men.
I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Eager to impress my new vegan girlfriend I cooked her a "Mixed Grill" of aubergine, carrot, courgette, red onion and sweet potato. "That was delicious," she sighed as she sat back. "You really have got the hang of cooking a good vegan meal." "Yes," I beamed. "My secret is that I fry everything in bacon fat."
Woman enters a chemist, asks the assistant for some Tampax. The assistant replies "I am very sorry madam, we have run out of stock". "You could try Boots" she suggested. "I already have" replied the woman, "but the laces aren't long enough".
The Vet Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. “My dear, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said. “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.” “That’s wonderful. How much does he send you?” the priest asked. “He sends me $2,000 a week,” she replied proudly. “Your son is very successful,” said the priest. “What does he do for a living?” “He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is a very honourable profession,” the priest assured her. “Where does he practice?” “Well, she replied, “he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans.”
In the Middle of the Road A trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!" The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."