No Dogs Allowed A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"
Pirate Joke Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother. The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! " The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook." Then the brother said, "What about your leg?" The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ." Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?" The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ." The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?" Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook! ha ha
Jonah and the Whale A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters. The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses. Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.' The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay .' About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' 'No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
George W. Bush visits an elementary school and the 4th grade class is in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So George W. asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Bush, "that would be an accident." A girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a Great Loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room and asks, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, in the back of the room, Johnny raises his hand and in a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asks the President. "Well," Johnny says, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class,"In English he said, double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up." "Yeah,right."