Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    I've an ambulance siren phobia.

    My wife left me for an ambulance driver and now when I hear one, I fear he is bringing her back.
     
  2. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

    A priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

    The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called turpentine.'

    The priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

    The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson
     
  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    We were shopping yesterday at a high-end store and my wife complained that the whole time she was in there, she was getting closely followed around by this big fat dark lady. I replied, "That's your shadow love....."
     
  4. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

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    A warning to all.
    Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people.

    Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea).

    However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home.

    We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
     
  5. boyonthebus

    boyonthebus MDL Expert

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  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Please stop asking for the perfect man for Christmas. Santa tried to kidnap me 3 times already this week
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A woman gets cheated on by her husband.

    Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him.

    After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

    The monk gives her a ice cream and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the ice cream delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"

    The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".

    The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat."
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I got a call off the police today telling me my wife had been involved in a car accident.

    "Is she okay?" I asked, worriedly.

    "Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash." he replied.

    "I know that, but is she injured in any way?"
     
  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?:

    Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

    “Very nice Patrick." She said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

    "Well, Miss, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put chocolate biscuits and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa to bring our presents."

    Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked. “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

    Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year Miss…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”...then we all go to the Bahamas."
     
  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
    "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

    "Fucing sticks" said Paddy.
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    So i said to the German bloke "why is that lump of meat in the boot of your car?"

    "Dat is my spare veal" he replied.
     
  12. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    SCOTTISH 'Three Kick Rule'
    SCOTTISH 'Three Kick Rule'

    A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."

    The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom..

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

    (I love this part)

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
     
  13. Tiger-1

    Tiger-1 MDL Guru

    Oct 18, 2014
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    :evil2::rofl:
     
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  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    The wife and I were out having dinner when She said "We've been living together for Thirty three years now and you still haven't popped the question.."

    "Good point.." I said "When are you moving out...?"
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
    The most common one seems to be: "You said you'd be home from the pub three f**king hours ago!"
     
  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mummy?" he asked. "To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter mummy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
     
    What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

    One's heavier, and the other's a little lighter.