What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $3.00 a tin and deer nuts are under a buck.
I just opened up a broken musical instruments store and named it "Prince Andrews Music". All the instruments only play in, A Minor.
Two gays were dancing, and one of the guys asked the other, “Why is it that whenever we dance, you get an erection?” the other guy answered, “Because you dance like an ass hole.”
A Nun at a Construction Site An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."
The Search The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello." "Is your Daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!
Cop: "I'm sorry sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car accident and we'd like you to come with us so you can identify the body." Husband: "I'm a bit busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on facebook? If it's her I'll click 'Like'".
My butt hair is so long, it made it to the Guinness Book of Records. Not for long though...they threw me out of the library pretty quickly.
A guy goes into the Doctors and says " Doctor, I have got three testicles, does that make me a freak?" After a quick examination the Doctor says " Wow you do indeed have three testicles, and no it doesn't make you a freak, it makes you a unique human being, be proud of having them" The guy comes out of the Doctors feeling ten feet tall and heads to the bus stop where another guy is waiting there. Not being able to resist, he says to the guy " Do you know that between us we have five balls?" The other guy says " Why, have you only got one?"
The lawyer has a accident A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over. The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “F**k! My rolex!”
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!” The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having premarital sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon for some minutes. The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?” “Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”
The Family Tree The Family Tree A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
What did Colonel Gadaffi and Freddie Mercury have in common? They both died after some men entered their sewage pipe.
I think it's disgusting the way Prince Harry has treated his adoptive family after all they have done for him.
A man enters a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" The man replies, "I do not know." Well, take this board with holes and go to the bathroom and measure. In 10 minutes the man comes back and tells the pharmacist, "I have changed my mind I don't need the condoms. How much is this board"?