The Construction Crew and the 5-year old A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes from the lumber yard ever deliver the damn drywall.”
Great coffee This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.
My best mate's wife was pregnant and he asked me to be godfather. So I threatened his family and killed his horse.
Little Tommy Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers. In a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. She called him to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it. To her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!" "Well, then," she asked, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"
As Meghan is an actress, couldn't she play Yoko Ono,the woman who split the Beatles...........or doesn't she want to be typecast !
Vaseline A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?” She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.” “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it when we make love,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?” The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.” What were you thinking ……..
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes... One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
My girlfriend just sent me down the shop to get some orange juice but i forgot what one she wanted, i rang her and she said concentrate you silly bastard. I tried to but i still couldn't remember ffs!!.
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little s**t on your lap."
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it: An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks. "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies. "I can't see how it's any of your business. But, since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and says. "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
The other day, my wife accused me of dressing up as Matt Damon's secret agent character. She must think I was Bourne yesterday
When Newfoundlanders get laid off When two Newfoundlanders get laid off Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and Both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment Office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and Thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer…And finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on The panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
Funny A store that sells new husbands has opened in Cardiff, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
The Mother-in-Law came round this morning . I knew it was her because next door's Rotweiller was whimpering . I let her in the hallway and she started ( Always criticising the old bat ! ) She pointed to a frame on the wall and said 'Oh ! I suppose that hideous painting on the wall there is what you call Modern art?' I said 'No Mother-in-Law . It's the new MIRROR!'
Beep beep There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he always made it by there by 2 PM. One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how? "No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride." The man says, "Ok!" They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell beep beep if I’m going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eye’s widen in fright. Sure enough, the light changes and they're off! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost. Meanwhile, at the local police dept: "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street." "What’s so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming beep beep and trying to pass!"