500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away. Therefore, in the meantime, only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This probably explains why ‘Smith’ is the most common name in the phonebook.
NEWS: "The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will give up using their Royal Highness titles and return £2.4m to the taxpayer to cover the costs of refurbishing their Windsor home." Fuk me, as soon as a bit of normal DNA is introduced into the mix they start to behave like decent human beings. Who'd have guessed? Thanks Mr Hewitt!
Paddy says to Mick "I found a pen, is it yours?" Mick replies,"I don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says "Yes it's mine." Paddy asks, "How do you know?" Mick replies. "That's my handwriting!"
blonde mortician A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So, I just switched the heads.'
It's almost the same A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
There once was a magic Mirror and if you told it a lie you would disappear. So A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde tried it out. The Brunette goes up and says, ” I have the best lookin eyes in the world” And POOF. She disappeared. The Redhead went up and said, ” I have the best legs in the world” And POOF. She disappeared. Finally the Blonde went up and said, ” I think…” And POOF. She disappeared.
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
Three chinese brothers.. bu, chu and fu all wanted to live legally in america, they changed their names to sound more american...bu changed to buck, chu changed to chuck and fu went back to china.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Bought some chicken at the Chinese takeaway today,It was tough as elastic. I went in and said "Your chickens Rubbery He said thank you very much,,,
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. The moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, ” Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?” Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.” The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?” Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn ‘s hat after all.” With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?” Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ‘ and that reminded me where I left me hat.”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, ” Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?” Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.” The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?” Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn ‘s hat after all.” With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?” Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ‘ and that reminded me where I left me hat.”
I asked the barber' the other day, 'What kinda cut would make me look handsome ?? 'He said a power cut' !! ..