Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. “Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly. “Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. “Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?” The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them assholes” – and he calmly returned to his seat.
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? 'NO! ' the children answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was ' NO! If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven? Again, they all answered ' NO! I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? ' A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...." ……………………….It's a curious race, the Irish.
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
10 years ago I became addicted to Viagra, I was taking up to six tablets a day. It was a habit that I found difficult to stop, but with help and support I have been clean for over two years. It was hard when I stopped and it is still hard today !
A man was driving down a quiet country lane, when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him". "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back!!..
Wife's Hearing Problem Earl feared his wife Maxine wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to get a better idea about her hearing loss. “Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.” That evening, Maxine was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” So in a normal tone he asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” No response. So Earl moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, “Maxine, what’s for dinner?” Still no response. Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again, he got no response. So, Earl walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Once more, there was no response. He walked right up behind her. “Maxine, what’s for dinner?” “Damn it, Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!”
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you £100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the £100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you £100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me £100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the £100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust!!..
Crimewatch... 48 year old shopkeeper Javed Ali was brutally stabbed and after 2 weeks lying in a coma his family had to make the agonizing decision. To shut the shop and go visit him in hospital..
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman In a brand new VW Golf !! Doing 90mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, Still working on her makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily.. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked the sausage roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten my car using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell Into the coffee between my legs, which splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins", ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an Important call... FUKING Women Drivers!!..
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
THE LOVE DRESS The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered. “But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed. “This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained. “Love Dress? But you’re naked!” “My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home, she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally, her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. “What are you doing?” He exclaimed. “This is My Love Dress.” She replied. “Needs ironing,” he said.
Two nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said - Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent. - I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us. - Oh! What does he want. - To rape us. - What can we do. - Let's separate. You go left and I will go right. - He followed Sister Rose. - Sister Mary reached the convent and was worried. - After an hour Sister Rose appeared. - What happed? - I started to run and so did he. - And then? - He caught up with me. - Oh my God. And what did you do. - I lifted up my dress. - Sister! And what did he do. - Dropped his pants. - And then? - Its obvious isn't it. - A nun with her dress lifted up can run faster than a man with his pants down. If you thought of a different ending Pray 188 Hail Marys and 320 Our Fathers and ask God to clean your filthy mind. And Don't send this back to me as I am still praying.