THE RETIREMENT HOME A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked. He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn. The director said, “Yes” and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.
The year 2020 in review so far: Harry & Meghan leave the royal family. Prince Andrew abolished from royal duties for being a nonce and it's swept under the carpet. World war three nearly breaks out after Donald a Trump orders airstrike killing Iranian chief. Corona Virus threatens to wipe out half the worlds population. Philip Scholefield comes out as gay and his wife is right behind him... With a strap on
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14". With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "FukYou!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too." Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain..
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?" Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Little Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Little Johnny replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Little Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Little Johnny: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Little Johnny was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Little Johnny: Bubblegum Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Little Johnny: Shake hands Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Little Johnny: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Little Johnny: Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Little Johnny: Wedding Ring Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Little Johnny: Nose Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Little Johnny: Arrow Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Little Johnny: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
A woman starts dating a doctor. A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said: You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one: "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever." "10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever." "50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
Over Breakfast One Morning Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning. He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.' 'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked. 'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other arsehole using my stuff...' 'What makes you think I'd marry another arsehole?"
God & Arthur Davidson The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.' Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Three virgin sisters Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe". Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end". Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ". Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ. 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.' MUM FAINTED!!!
Paddy and Brigitte, a middle-aged couple, had drifted apart and the end of their marriage came one Friday night over a plate of fish and chips. “It’s no good Brigitte, this marriage is a sham, I’m leaving you. I may be 57 years old but I’ve met a 19 year old who wants to be with me and I want to be with her”, said Paddy proudly. “Well, well, well”, replied Brigitte scornfully. “She’s welcome to you. By the way, I’ve met a gorgeous young man of 19 who goes for older women. I may be 57 as well but he says I’ve got the body of a 25 year old. So, stuff you, Paddy, and just remember this. 19 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 19”!
The fella next door took going to jail really badly,He refused all offers of food and drink,spat and swore at everybody,and even smeared the walls with his own s**t. Thats the last time i ever ask him over for a game of Monopoly,,,
Mick goes on Mastermind and the Quiz master asks him " what's your name and subject " Micks says " Mick Murphy and my specialist subject is .The political History of Ireland from 1916 to The Present day " The quiz master says " What year did the uprising take place ? Mick says "Pass " Where did the uprising take place ? Mick says Pass Who were the leaders of the uprising ? Mick says Pass Where was Michael Collins Born ? Mick says Pass Which party was in power in 1936 ? Mick says Pass The quiz master keeps asking him questions and for each answer Mick says Pass Then his mate Pat in the audience jumps up and shouts out " THAT'S IT MICK TELL EM SOD ALL "
Sent the wife to Lowes I was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. I asked my wife Connie if she would go to Lowes and pick up a hinge. She agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager Charlie to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Connie asked him, "How much is that faucet?" The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $498.00. Connie exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of my price range..". She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?" Connie shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
Mary falls pregnant by another man and is so frightened of what her jealous husband might do, she pleads for help from her doctor. Now the doctor is quite sweet on the woman himself, so he agrees to help. When the baby is born, the doctor gives the newborn to a priest in the next ward who has just undergone an exploratory operation. "I told the priest that a miracle had happened and he's the one who has given birth", the doctor tells Mary. So the astonished priest is told the news of the miracle and devotes the next sixteen years to bringing up his son as best he can. But, as each year passes, so the priest feels more and more guilt at what had happened. On the boy's sixteenth birthday he breaks down and confesses all. "I'm sorry, son, I'm not your father". "What do you mean"? demands the son. "I'm afraid I'm your mother, your father is the bishop".