The wife just called me. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then!!..
It's always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope. Except, when you're in prison!!.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
Two women in adjacent beds in the maternity ward. One was expecting her first child, the other her fourth The one who was expecting her first asked the other woman, "what is it like having a baby"? "Its just normal" she replied. "No is it really painful". "There`s nothing to it, its a normal delivery" she said. "How would you describe the pain" she asked. "With your thumb and fore finger on both hands, grasp the outer edges of your top lip. Now pull it over the top of your head".
Barry had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Barry's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Slick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Barry, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Slick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Barry went to see his Grandmother, "Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Barry's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya feking idiot!!
I called a lady who owed me money and she didn't pick my calls. I called 10 times and still no answer. Then I sent her a message - "Hi madam, I'm not calling for the money issue, I wanted to tell you that I just witnessed two girls fighting for your husband in town today, it was a big fight and he was just there watching, and then one of the girls managed to escape, got into his car and they drove away", then l pressed the send button. After some minutes she called and I ignored, she kept calling & I saw 21 missed calls from her and a message which read - "where was the fight, where did they go, did you recognize the girls? Please tell me, am falling apart." I just read and didn't respond. She called again 5 times and I didn't answer, then another message from her - "I have your money can we meet and you tell me more?" Then I replied, ok you can transfer the money so that I can go to the fuel station and refill, then I will pick you and drive to one of the girls' place cause I know them. After 2 minutes, I got a transfer alert message, my money was fully paid. I then switched off my phone and slept like a baby!!
My best mate is the best pranker ever. Every time i come home early he is always hiding naked under my bed waiting to jump out on me. How he sneaks in without the wife even knowing is beyond me. Legend!!.
A FROG GOES INTO A BANK A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!" She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen's breasts for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber,Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to fuk off. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick!!..
Paddy a labourer desperate for a job applied for the position of Butler. On arrival the lady of the house regarding him suspiciously asked if he had ever done this before, he nodded. After being shown around they arrived lastly in the kitchen. She then asked would he like a cup of tea, yes please he replied. Do you take milk she asked, please, sugar? two shovels full.
Paddy a labourer desperate for a job applied for the position of Butler. On arrival the lady of the house regarding him suspiciously asked if he had ever done this before, he nodded. After being shown around they arrived lastly in the kitchen. She then asked would he like a cup of tea, yes please he replied. Do you take milk she asked, please, sugar? two shovels full.