This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?” And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
A man walks into a pharmacy A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
Police in Lagos,Nigeria have just broken into the flat of a man that had died. They found 150 million pounds. Checking his computer they found out he has been trying to give it away for the last 15 years, but nobody was replying to his emails!!
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios". WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..
THE LOVE DRESS The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered. “But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed. “This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained. “Love Dress? But you’re naked!” “My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home, she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally, her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. “What are you doing?” He exclaimed. “This is My Love Dress.” She replied. “Needs ironing,” he said.
I was at the local swimming baths and some asylum seeker was applying for a lifeguard job and the interview asked whether he could swim... I said "how the fuk do you think he got here!!
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It’s not proper to walk around without any panties on.” The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest hands the lady $1 and says… “Lady, take this money and for God’s sake, go buy yourself a razor!”
My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together. Then I saw the fuking swear jar in his house!!..
Sister Mary burst into the principal's office and cried, "Father, just wait until you hear this!" "Calm down, Sister Mary. Now tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, Father, I was on my way to chapel when I heard some of the older boys wagering!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what made me so excited, Father. It was what they were wagering on! They were betting to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!" "Incredible!!!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" She said, "Father, I hit the ceiling!" He mused, "So how much did you win?"
Last night I got into bed with my wife and all I wanted to do was go to sleep, but she had other ideas and started to grab hold of me and play with me, I knew she was up for it. So I turned to her and said "Darling go down stairs and bring the cling film up." and she did because she's a really broad minded girl. So I ripped off a large piece and put it between her legs, she look at me and said "Will it make me really sensitive?" I looked back at her and said "No, but it'll keep you fresh until tomorrow!!..
THE STAGES OF SUCCESS At age 4 success is…not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is…having friends. At age 16 success is…having a drivers license. At age 20 success is…having sex. At age 35 success is…having money. At age 50 success is…having money. At age 60 success is…having sex. At age 70 success is…having a drivers license.
A guy dies and goes to Hell and meets Satan. Satan says to the man, "Nowadays, people entering Hell are able to choose their own personal hell. I will take you to a series of doors, and you will look inside and tell me if that is where you would like to spend eternity." Satan opens the first door, the man looks inside and sees thousands of people standing on their headS on a hard-wood floor. The man says, "This looks too uncomfortable. Show me the next room please." Satan then walks the man down to the the second door. The man looks inside and sees thousands of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. The man says, "This is even worse. Please show me the next room." Satan nods and takes him to the third door. The man looks inside sees thousands of people standing knee-deep in liquid s**t, all drinking coffee. The man says,"This is the place for me." Satan says, "Are you sure? Once the door closes you can never go back..." The mans says, "I'm positive. I do love coffee." The man steps in and Satan closes the door. Just before the man could get comfortable, a voice on the loudspeaker says, "Coffee break is over! BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!.