After our daughter of fifteen years of age was moved to tears by the speech of Greta Thunberg at the UN the other day, she became angry with our generation “who had been doing nothing for thirty years” so, we decided to help her prevent what the girl on TV announced of “massive eradication and the disappearance of entire ecosystems”. We are now committed to give our daughter a future again, by doing our part to help cool the planet four degrees. From now on she will go to school on a bicycle, because driving her by car costs fuel, and fuel puts emissions into the atmosphere. Of course it will be winter soon and then she will want to go by bus, but cycling through the freezing builds resilience. Of course, she is now asking for an electric bicycle, but we have shown her the devastation caused to the areas of the planet as a result of mining for the extraction of Lithium and other minerals used to make batteries for electric bicycles, so she will be pedalling, or walking. Which will not harm her, or the planet. We used to cycle and walk to school too. Since the girl on TV demanded “we need to get rid of our dependency on fossil fuels” and our daughter agreed with her, we have disconnected the heat vent in her room. The temperature is now dropping to twelve degrees in the evening, and will drop below freezing in the winter, we have promised to buy her an extra sweater, hat, tights, gloves and a blanket. For the same reason we have decided that from now on she only takes a cold shower. She will wash her clothes by hand, with a wooden washboard, because the washing machine is simply a power consumer and since the dryer uses natural gas, she will hang her clothes on the clothes line to dry, just like my parents and grandparents used to do. Speaking of clothes, the ones that she currently has are all synthetic, so made from petroleum. Therefore on Monday, we will bring all her designer clothing to the secondhand shop. We have found an eco store where the only clothing they sell is made from undyed and unbleached linen and jute. Also can’t have clothes made on wool, because the emissions from farting sheep are supposedly causing bad weather. It shouldn’t matter that it looks good on her, or that she is going to be laughed at, dressing in colourless, bland clothes and without a wireless bra, but that is the price she has to pay for the benefit of The Climate. Cotton is out of the question, as it comes from distant lands and pesticides are used for it. Very bad for the environment. We just saw on her Instagram that she’s pretty angry with us. This was not our intention. From now on, at 7 p.m. We will turn off the WiFi and we will only switch it on again the next day after dinner for two hours. In this way we will save on electricity, so she is not bothered by electro-stress and will be totally isolated from the outside world. This way, she can concentrate solely on her homework. At eleven o’clock in the evening we will pull the breaker to shut the power off to her room, so she knows that dark is really dark. That will save a lot of CO2. She will no longer be participating in winter sports to ski lodges and resorts, nor will she be going on anymore vacations with us, because our vacation destinations are practically inaccessible by bicycle. Since our daughter fully agrees with the girl on TV that the CO2 emissions and footprints of her great-grandparents are to blame for ‘killing our planet’, what all this simply means, is that she also has to live like her great-grandparents and they never had a holiday, a car or even a bicycle. We haven’t talked about the carbon footprint of food yet. Zero CO2 footprint means no meat, no fish and no poultry, but also no meat substitutes that are based on soy (after all, that grows in farmers fields, that use machinery to harvest the beans, trucks to transport to the processing plants, where more energy is used, then trucked to the packaging/canning plants, and trucked once again to the stores) and also no imported food, because that has a negative ecological effect. And absolutely no chocolate from Africa, no coffee from South America and no tea from Asia. Only homegrown potatoes, vegetables and fruit that have been grown in local cold soil, because greenhouses run on boilers, piped in CO2 and artificial light. Apparently, these things are also bad for The Climate. We will teach her how to grow her own food. Bread is still possible, but butter, milk, cheese and yogurt, cottage cheese and cream come from cows and they emit CO2. No more margarine and no oils will be used for the frying pan, because that fat is palm oil from plantations in Borneo where rain forests first grew. No ice cream in the summer. No soft drinks and no energy drinks, as the bubbles are CO2. We will also ban all plastic, because it comes from chemical factories. Everything made of steel and aluminium must also be removed. Have you ever seen the amount of energy a blast furnace consumes or an aluminium smelter? All bad for the climate! We will replace her memory foam pillow top mattress, with a jute bag filled with straw, with a horse hair pillow. And finally, she will no longer be using makeup, soap, shampoo, cream, lotion, conditioner, toothpaste and medication. Facecloths will all be linen, that she can wash by hand, with her wooden washboard, just like her female ancestors did before climate change made her angry at us for destroying her future. In this way we will help her to do her part to prevent mass extinction, water levels rising and the disappearance of entire ecosystems. If she truly believes she wants to walk the talk of the girl on TV, she will gladly accept and happily embrace her new way of life.
Bert,at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES! Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"
I don't want to alarm anyone but the coronavirus will soon spread in an irreversible way. The first means of contamination are bank notes, don't touch them. Handle them with gloves and put them in a sealed envelope and leave them by your front door. Tomorrow morning I'll come by for collection and elimination, I'm doing this for the good of public health! Don't thank me
Paddy returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed. "All right," Paddy shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!" A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana."
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!” “Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!”
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.” “What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”
I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to get a shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth. I think they might be trying to groom me.
My little s**t of teenage son found a sex tape his mum and I made years ago and threatened to release it on to the internet if we didnt buy him a new PS4. "Good luck son," I told him, "its on Betamax!"
I was standing at the train station this morning on my way to work, when I saw a little old lady trip over. As she laid there complaining about the pain in her hip and legs, some bloke came over and said, "I'll help you up." "Don't touch her" I interrupted. "If you move her it could make the injuries worse, she needs to stay exactly where she is until the paramedics arrive." "That's ridiculous" he replied. I said, "I know what I'm doing pal, I've seen this kinda s**t on tv." So I dialled 999 and requested an ambulance. 5 minutes later I called them back and said, "Cancel that ambulance, she's not in pain anymore." "She's okay then?" asked the operator. I said, "No, she's dead. Hit by an express train."
The girlfriend and I had a blazing row then she stormed off, jumped in the car, sped away and ended up wrapping it round a lampost and killing herself. I was so upset I went to a medium as I wanted to apologise for my harsh words. For half an hour we sat there in silence, watching the ouija board. All of a sudden the medium stands up and says "That'll be $500 please." "But nothing’s happened!” I replied. "She's still not talking to you," said the medium!!.
Joe: So, the alt-right claims veggie burgers give men breasts. Barack: I just... Joe: So I told Donald his Senate Cafeteria burgers got switched with Cory Booker’s vegan burgers. Barack: Good one, Joe. Joe: Now he keeps checking his moobs.
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
Found a wallet, and thought about handing it in and thought "Well, if I lost my wallet with $500 in it , how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Doctor to patient: “You’ve been tested positive for the corona virus. You’re going straight into that isolation ward, on a diet of pizza and pancakes”! Patient: “Does that diet work?” Doctor: “No, but that’s all we’re able to slide under the door for you!”
A farmer is giving his blonde wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores. “That fellow from the University will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.” Satisfied that his blonde wife understood the instructions, the farmer leaves for town. That afternoon, the ‘Inseminator’ arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. “This is the cow right here,” she tells him. “What’s the nail for?” the guy asks. Replies the wife, “I guess its to hang up your pants.”