A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister. “I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said. “Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise. “Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.” “Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.” The groom thought it over and decided it just might work. Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!” “Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.” “No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!” “Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.” The bride thought it over and decided it just might work. In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?” “Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”
You know you're getting old, when you look outside on a beautiful day and you think to yourself: "hmmmm I'm going to make the most of this" And then start filling the washing machine.
I was telling my counsellor how after a night of booze and drugs, I saw a pink elephant in my bedroom. "Really ?" ….."Yes, the wife came in and wanted a shag."
Three Men in Heaven Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis." The third man said "I died of Seenus." The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife, and he seen us!"
Two women are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?" I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?
Jake's wife is suffering from depression. She phoned him the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".......So he sent her a timetable
I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day. "Bit of a speed merchant are we, sir?" he asked. "A bit, now and then," I replied, "but I only sell to friends." So as well as three points I'm looking at three months.
I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!” “That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.” “How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?” “Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
The poor little rich girl awoke after a long night out on the town with her friends. She found herself totally naked and with a monster of a hangover, so she rang for her butler and ordered a strong cup of black coffee. When he delivered it, she said, "Jeeves, I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?" "I carried you upstairs, Ma'am, and put you to bed." "But my dress?" "It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I removed it and hung it in your closet." "But what about my underwear?" "I feared the elastic might limit your circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them." "What a night!" she sighed. "I must have been tight!" "Only the first time, Ma'am!" “
OK...So all football suspended.so for a change i started talking to my wife and found out she got made redundant from WOOLWORTHS.
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?” The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!”
I was telling the wife "My mum loved me so much when I was a child that she would say a prayer for me every night..!" The wife asked "What did she say in her prayer...?" I said "Thank Christ the little fuker's in bed...!"
Two Irishman have an idea Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!” Murphy watches in amazement. The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.” So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman. “Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy