Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
    The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
    The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
    The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
    The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
     
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  2. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Staying connected

    After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she's come from.

    "I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I've been stranded on the other side of the island."

    "Where did you get the rowboat?"

    "I made it out of gum trees and palm branches," she replies.

    "But you had no tools!" he says.

    "I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue."

    The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can't believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. "Now, tell me," she says, looking deep into his eyes. "Is there something you've been desiring while you've been alone? You know..."

    "Do you mean," he whispers, "I can check my E-mail from here!?!"
     
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  3. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    NEW COMPANY PROGRAM - S.H.I.T.

    I wanted to share with you a new program the company I work for is instituting. It is called 'Special High Intensity Training'. Here is the memo we received:

    In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else does.

    If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

    If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

    Thank you,
    Boss In General
    Special High Intensity Training
    (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
     
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  4. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
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    hahahah! had a good laugh :D:D:D
     
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  5. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
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    A computer programmer is sitting under a tree when another programmer pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first programmer asks, “Where’d you get that?”

    The programmer on the bike replies, “While I was walking outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”

    The first programmer responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.” :D
     
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  6. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist

    An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
     
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  7. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.


    The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
    "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

    Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
    A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
     
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  8. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Pack Your Bags
    This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
    She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
    He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!"


    Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
    A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

    Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
    A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
     
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  9. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Eighteen

    A 54 year old mathematician left his wife a note that said, "When you get this message, I'll be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old secretary."

    The wife faxed him at the hotel with the following message, "When you get this your 54 year old wife will be at home with an 18 year old boy toy. Being a mathematician you know that 18 will go into 54 a whole lot more than 54 will go into 18."
     
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  10. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Corporate Decisions

    There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision.
    So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
    Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...'
    And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'
     
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  11. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
    Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
    Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
    Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
    Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
     
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  12. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Johnny's Thinking

    One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
     
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  13. Smorgan

    Smorgan Glitcher

    Mar 25, 2010
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    Thanks +1 hahaha...
     
  14. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
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    #34 dareckibmw, Jun 5, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2017
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  15. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Johnny's Morals
    In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.
    Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched."
    Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"
    Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
    Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"
    Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke."
    Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"
    Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
    Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"
    Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."
    Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"
    Little Johnny: "Don't f*** with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."
     
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  16. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Rectum Stretcher

    While "flying" down the road (15 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
    To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
    "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
    The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
    "Well," she said, "I start by insert in one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers,
    then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
    "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$ hole?" He asked.
    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
    Traffic Ticket $95.00
    Court Costs. $45.00
    The Look on Cop's Face......
    PRICELESS
     
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  17. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Brooklyn Tony ON MATH:

    Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
    "Why?" asks the father.
    The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
    "But that's right!" says his dad.
    "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
    "What's the f*****g difference?" asks the father.
    "That's what I said!"
     
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  18. redbone110

    redbone110 MDL Novice

    May 20, 2010
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    funny ...
    thanks
     
  19. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
    "No," said his mom, "of course not."
    Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
     
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  20. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
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    lmao!!!

    +1
     
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