A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where the past governor from up north happened to appear. She took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?' 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.' 'What sort of question?' she asked. Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'' The gov thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.' A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded... "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!
Little Amy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amy?" "My goldfish died," replied Amy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Amy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I? "Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly. The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?" "Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy.
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f&%#ing difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!
Little Johnny was in class while the teacher was giving an oral quiz on History. "Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'" started the teacher. No one answered. Finally a little Japanese exchange student piped in: "Patrick Henry, 1776" The teacher was a little miffed that an exchange student would answer and her American students couldn't. So she tried again: "Four score and seven years ago..." and again no one answered until the little Japanese girl replied: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863". Again the teacher was miffed. So the teacher gave a challenge, the next right answer would get the rest of the day off. "F&%# THE JAPS!" was yelled from the back of the room. "Who said that?!!" screamed the teacher. Little Johnny replied proudly, "Gen. Douglas McArthur, 1941. See you tomorrow!"
Tech support series This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." ****************************************** Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?" ********************************************* Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. *********************************************** Tech Support: 'What does the screen say now.' Person: 'It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.' Tech Support: 'Well?' Person: 'How do I know when it's ready?'
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." ************************************** Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? ************************************************************************* Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Dad, can I play with grandpa for a while? Yes, but please put him back in the coffin when you're done... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mum! Mum! Charlie keeps putting meat on my plate! Well, tell your brother to stop immediately or I'm going to beat him up until his leprosy goes away --------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a woman who can give you a blowjob while she sings keep on her bedside table? A crystal eye...
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the f&%# do you think?"