This Virus must have hit India hard. I've not had a single phone call in a week about a car accident I havent been in!
An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse, he's been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Just saw on the news 97% of makeup is made in China and all supplies are shut down.. Fellas, you are about to get a rude awakening!!..
Oh the Irish! Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself", Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck", says the Guard. "I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was: "The drugs are wearing off!"
Food shortages in the supermarkets....hot tip.....Whiskas Beef cat food makes an excellent chilli con carne, not only does it taste great but with balanced mineral levels it supports a healthy urinary tract, the zinc content ensures a healthy skin and there are no added artificial flavours, colours or preservatives. The only down side is sometimes you start licking your own arse!!.
One Sunday night, the preacher asked for testimonies and prayer requests. One woman stood up and said, “Sister and Brothers, please pray for me. This has been a very trying week. That old devil has done everything in his power to make me miserable. Pray that I will have the fortitude to persevere.” As she sat down, Her husband stood up and said, “Brothers and Sisters, I want you to know, she ain’t the easiest fucin woman to get along with neither!!
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass!!
Imagine if 10 years ago you were approached by a time traveler and he was like "look, I don't have much time to explain, but all I can tell you is that the year 2020 is going to be an absolute s**t show. You know Donald Trump, the star of the apprentice? Well he's the president of the United States and at the beginning of 2020 he gets into a Twitter spar with Iran that almost starts World War 3. Australia catches on fire and a woman tries to save it by selling pictures of her boobs. Kobe Bryant dies in a helicopter crash. Half the world is devastated, the other half just makes dank ass memes. Then some dude in China eats a raw ass bat and starts a global pandemic that specifically kills maw maws and paw paws. Everyone loses their minds. 40% of the population thinks it's the end of the world, another 40% thinks it's all fake, and 20% blames the whole thing on cell phone towers and pedophiles. The one thing everyone seems to agree on is that the only way to survive is by hoarding toilet paper. Grocery stores are ransacked and Charmin ultra soft essentially replaces the dollar as the official U.S. currency. As hysteria grows, world governments are forced to shut the entire planet down and lock everyone in their houses and the only person that can keep the people from completely flipping out and starting a huge riot is a gay, gun toting Oklahoma meth head with 180 pet tigers... I'd be like, "Here's a dollar now get away from me crackhead."