My wife came home early to find me in the kitchen cooking a lovely candlelit dinner on the table and place settings for two. "Oh this is a surprise" she said. "Too right it is," I replied "I didn't expect you back till Monday! “
Nigeria has confirmed 43 cases of Coronavirus. I hope it's not the Nigerian Prince who wants to transfer $7,000,000 into my bank account.
My sister asked me to pick her toddler up from creche. The interfering bitch in charge of the creche has reported me for smacking him. She reckons you're only supposed to smack them if they're being naughty. She also reckons being ginger doesn't count as naughty..
A man walks into the woman’s section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. “What type of bra?” asked the clerk. “Type?” inquires the man, “there’s more than one type?” “There are three types.” Replies the clerk, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?” Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference in them?” The clerk responds, “It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain’s out of mole hills.”
We are 2 weeks into self-isolation and it's very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up. I've even considered letting her in. But rules are rules.
This lockdown brings back memories of asking my Grandad what he did during the war. Apparently he bred messenger pigeons with woodpeckers. Not only did they deliver a message but they also knocked on the door.
A husband returns home from work to discover that his wife is missing. He spends the next two days looking for her, and when he comes home on the second night he finds his spouse sitting in the kitchen, eating some pasta. "You're alive!" he cries. "Where have you been all this time?" "These four men kidnapped me, and have had wild sex with me for a week." "But you've only been gone two days!?!" "Yeah, I've just nipped home to get something to eat..."
The population of the United Kingdom is over 66 million, with 33.65 million females and 32.79 million males. So the abolition of the ’Tampon Tax’ is technically being forced on a minority. What about abolishing Tax on beer for us minority males that need alcohol as a necessity to endure menstrual females?
A man goes into a bakers and asks for 2 bread rolls the shop man picks them up with tongs and puts them in a paper bag, he then asks for 2 cakes the shop man picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag. The man says! "It’s nice to see you don’t handle the food!" The shop man says! "Nothing in my shop is handled by human hand!" He then noticed a peace of string hanging out of the shop mans trousers and asks! "What is that peace of string for!" The shop man says! "When I need a piss I just pull on the string and it pops out?" "That’s ok!" Says the man! "But how do you put it back?" "That’s no problem!" Says the shop man! "I just use the tongs! “
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is, he replied.... "Breakfast."
The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-law’s video of his family camping trip to Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even considering sex, and maybe even with me.
As the pandemic plays through, it is giving us a glimpse into our inevitable future where all meals are delivered, all entertainment comes through the tv screen, and all human interaction is through our cell phone. Where schooling is online at home, exercise is on a stationary bike in our basement, medical testing is done at drive thru windows, and colonoscopies are performed at Jiffy Lube. The world is changing. It is becoming less interpersonal as technology consumes us. So now that we have time on our hands, everyone should take a moment to cherish this fading era, when friends still get together to hit a little ball around an open field for no good reason other than to enjoy the companionship of their fellow man.
Two cases of Coronavirus have been confirmed in Liverpool. One was a known contact of an existing patient. The other was robbing his house.
A middle-aged couple Mr and Mrs 0'Shea had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'No, not this time!'
I thought the popular TV show "Muffin the mule" for infants was inappropriate, there being a suggestion of a sexual offence.