Paddy goes to the toilet at work but doesn't return for about 20 minutes. "Where have you been all this time?" asked the boss. "Washing my hands, I forgot the words to Happy Birthday so sang Bohmemian Rhapsody twice" he replied
Paddy and Mick are at a job interview for a labourer by a builder, Paddy goes first and is asked, "If you lost an eye, what would you be?" He answers, "Half blind." Then he was asked, "What would you be if you lost both eyes?" He answers, "Blind." Builder says, "Great, you got the job - send Mick in." Mick over heard the interview and thinks, "Great, I'll just give the same answers." The builder asks, "If you lost an ear, what would you be?" Mick says, "Half blind." Then was asked, "What about if you lost both ears?" Mick says, "Blind." The builder, a bit puzzled, asked, "How would that be?" Mick says, "My hat would fall down!"
A woman in a hot air balloon drifting slowly, realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. The woman rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a conservative!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me." The man smiles and responds, "You must be a progressive." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around the town. The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the launderette has been taken to the cleaners!
John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, “Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?" To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he asked excitedly. "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word warm." John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found: "Warm: Not so hot."
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered: “Well Doc, I can’t swim!"
A furious pounding in a hotel room in the middle of the night awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager went to the room, and when his knocks went unanswered, he let himself in. He found an elderly man cursing and banging on the wall with both fists. "Stop that immediately, sir!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing everyone in the hotel." "Damn the hotel and everyone in it!" the elderly man hollered. "I just got an erection!" "Okay," said the hotel manager, "but why must you bang your fists against the wall?" "Because it's the first erection I've had in years and both of my hands are asleep!"
A man and his wife are exploring the woods They stumble upon a suitcase. The man opens the suitcase to discover two mice inside that don’t appear to be alive. “Oh my gosh, are they moving?” exclaims the man’s wife. The man replies “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow: It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.
A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!" One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!! 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful...... When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died! The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his floor scrubber !!!!! Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin' doctor!
Attitude Adjustment Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again." Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
My girlfriend rang me and said, "Are we going to get married?" I said, "Of course we are, babe" She said, "Then why the fuk aren't you here at the church?"
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says: “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
Absolutely devastated. A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and why during this terrible time? He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.