Young lad driving to work in these troubled times, is stopped at a checkpoint. “Where are you going ” Says the guard ” I’m going to work, we’re an essential service” “Oh yeah” Says the guard ” And pray tell, what do you do that’s so essential” “We build arseholes” Says the young lad “Sorry, explain that to me” Says the guard Young lad says, ” We put piles of s**te in a bucket, and eventually it grows into a six foot arsehole ” ” And what do you do with a six foot arsehole” Says the guard Young lad replies ” We put them on a checkpoint to ask people where they are going”
Just got pulled over by the police the officer said to me "sir I can smell alcohol" I said "yes that's because you are not respecting social distancing"
Stimulus Package It is a slow day in the small Minnesota town of Hibbing, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package works.
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom. The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.
A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup." Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear." So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years. Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out. The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99". She says "99". "I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99". She says "99". Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also. "We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups." He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99" She says, "one, two, three, four, five, six.........
On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea. On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very hot Nightgown. “Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time,” she said coyly. “No thanks, I want to sit out here,”he said. So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep. In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony. “Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?”she asked. “Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life – and I didn’t want to miss a moment of it.”
Yesterday, the French authorities deployed the military to supermarkets, in order to keep them secure and ensure social distancing is being respected. However, after one old lady coughed, the armed forces have capitulated and are now negotiating terms of surrender with the shoppers.
A man was sitting on the edge of his bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!" The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A plane with 5 passengers on board -- Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a 10-year-old schoolgirl -- is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump says " I need one. I am the smartest man in the US and I need to solve the pandemic!" He takes one parachute and jumps. Johnson says ' I'm needed to solve the COVID-19 mess in Britain '. He grabs one and jumps. The Pope says: " The Catholics of the world depend on me for comfort in a time of fear." He takes one and jumps. " You can have the last parachute," says Merkel to the 10-year-old. " I've lived my life. Yours is just starting." The little girl replies: " Don't worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA just took my school bag."