I can't believe I'm in isolation with this coronavirus, and to make matters worse, my wife has just told me she's pregnant. So be careful fella's, this virus obviously reverses the effect of a vasectomy.
Staying at home Drinking at home is not working as well as drinking at the bar. I almost asked my wife for her phone number!
A young sailor on a year long deployment received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: 'Dear Jack, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you Love, Jenny' Jack, with hurt feelings, asked his shipmates for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-lashes, aunties cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Jenny, he included all the other pictures of the pretty ladies he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note: "Dear Jenny, I'm so sorry, but I can't remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Jack"
The new Hooker just finished her first Trick. When she came back down to the street, all the seasoned Street Veterans all gathered around to hear the Details. She said. “Well , he was a big Muscular and Handsome Sailor”. “Well , what did he want to do”..??? They all asked. She said, ”I told him that a Straight Lay was £100, but he said he didn’t have that much”. So I told him that Oral Sex would be £75, but he didn’t have that much either”. ... “Finally I said, well how much do you have”..??? The Sailor said that he only had £25. The new Hooker said. “Well, for £25 all I can do is Service You by Hand”. He agreed and after getting the Finance straight, she said. “He pulled it out and I put One Hand on it, and then a Second Hand above the First and then the First Hand above the Second Hand”. “Oh my good God” they all exclaimed, it must have been Huge, then what did you do”..??? * I had to Lend him £75”. she said!!.
Are my testicles black?  A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"
A woman went into the butcher shop to buy a chicken for dinner. The butcher had just one chicken left in the ice barrel. He reached in and pulled out a fine looking fowl and placed in carefully on the scales and announced that it weighed 4 pounds. The woman asked if he had one a little larger. The fast thinking butcher put the chicken back into the barrel and in a few seconds pulled it out again (pretending he had a larger chicken) and placed it on the scales a second time and told her that this one weighed 4 3/4 pounds. The woman paused... Then announced, 'I'll take both of them!'
Local church put out a call for a new bell ringer and a man with no arms answered. "How will you ring the bell my son? You have no arms." the pastor asked. "Take me to the bell Padre and I'll show you." the man replied. So they go up the bell tower and the man proceeded to ring the bell using his head. "Wonderful my son. You start this Sunday." So Sunday rolls around and once again, the bell was heard throughout the town. As the people congregated to the front of the church, they stopped and saw the armless man, lying dead, in the middle of the courtyard. The town sheriff walks up, looks at the corpse, and asks the crowd, "Does anyone here know this man?" The pastor looks up and says, "No, but his face sure rings a bell!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman & an Irishman attend an interview to join the police force. The Englishman is called in 1st. the interviewing officer levels with him “we badly need officers so this is going to be a little unorthodox, answer 1 simple question & you’re on the force” “Ok I can probably manage that” “Who killed Jesus Christ?” The Englishman answers “The Romans” Officer: “well done, go to the desk sergeant, get your uniform & come back & see me for your 1st assignment” Scotsman’s up next. The officer explains the situation & proceeds Officer: “1 simple question & you’re on the force, who killed Jesus Christ?” Scotsman “well I’m sure that was the Romans?” Officer: “Very good, welcome to the force, go to the desk sergeant get a uniform & come back & see me for your 1st assignment” Finally it’s the Irishman’s turn, the officer explains the situation & that the interview may seem a little unorthodox. “Ok son, if you can tell me who killed Jesus Christ you’re on the police force” the Irishman is stunned & practically speechless “Erm....well... mmm...” the officer reassures him it’s not a trick but the Irishman still can’t answer the question. “Listen” The officer continues “Go get a cuppa, have a think, take your time & I’m sure it will come to you” The Irishman leaves the office & bumps into the Englishman & the Scotsman, both in full police uniform “isn’t this great ?” Says the Englishman & Scotsman “1 simple question & you’re on the police force?” The Irishman replies “you lucky bastards got a simple question?....He wants me to solve a fucin murder”
A human joke A friend of mine is rich and in panic because hes frightened to loose his cash ...... so hes buying ...... bitcoin .........
Paddy and Mick were enjoying a few pints down at the local pub, when Paddy said to Mick: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied Mick, "fire away." "Well," said Paddy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied Mick. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" said Paddy. “What speech impediment?" "Well," replied Mick, "she can't say no."
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in........
A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam." The girl looks him over, and then brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough." She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Honey That's still a liitle on the small side....." Not impressed she says, "Listen, Tex, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a petrol pump?"