REGRET's -- from the Hospital & Medical Staff. We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis was NOT cancer, it was lipstick. We deeply regret the amputation.
Queen and Donald As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Brits; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the horse's emissions. The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure that you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." President Trump, being presidential responded; "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
BBQ RULES: We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!!..
Man enters a brothel, approaches the woman at reception and asks how much. The women replies on the top floor we have our most attractive ladies £100, too much he replies. On the second floor plain young ladies £50, too much he again replies. On the ground floor the women are of an older generation £25, again the man replies the same. The women then asks how much have you got, £10 he replies. The woman rings a bell and a man escorts the punter down to the basement, Opens a door to reveal a stunning stark naked woman laying on a bed. Having satisfied his lust he returned to the reception and told the woman he thought the women was being sick. The woman rang the bell to summon the porter, asking him to wheel in another corpse as that one was full up.
A Doctor and a Lawyer... A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer: "What do you do to stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" The lawyer said: "I give it to them and then I send them a bill." Although shocked by this, the doctor agreed to give it a try. The next day the doctor, acting on the lawyer's suggestion, was reluctantly putting a number of bills into his mailbox when he found a bill addressed to him. It was from the lawyer.
I had a really bad day playing golf today, l only hit two good balls and that was when l stepped on a rake in a bunker!
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been Stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kiddin' me?" he barked, "I dropped you off! Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your f*cking car!!
A train hits a bus filled with Roman Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.' St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.' All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Louise, what seems to be the rush?' The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it."
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips… “Are you the friar?” he asked. The brother replied “No. I’m the chip monk.”
I asked my girlfriends father if I could marry his daughter I've never been so happy in my life. He told me to fuk off.